Good read

I had my first round of chemo last Thursday. By Friday I was sicker than a dog. Speaking of dogs I just read Dog on It: A Chet and Bernie Mystery (Chet and Bernie Mysteries) by Spencer Quinn. It's a great read when I'm miserable and a great read when I'm not like today when I'm feeling better. It's told from Chet the dog's point of view. Sometimes when telling the tale he goes off on little tangents like wondering why Bernie isn't redeeming those 2 for 1 rib coupons but Chet keeps on the case.

It's a beautiful sunny day

It's a beautiful sunny day and I'm happy. I saw my surgeon for my last check-back and everything was healing nicely. My margins are clear and I've known that for a while. It was just so nice to leave that office on an upbeat note. Dr. W reminded me that I know where he is if I should need him again. We both hope that I won't be needing his services any time soon.

I'm getting prepared for chemo which starts on Thursday. I've been told by others who have walked this road to get lots of water, juices, and such. Both my fellow survivors and my dental hygienist recommend Biotene products. One of the side effects of chemo is dry mouth and sometimes mouth sores. I've stocked up on all of the above at Safeway. I'm shopping while I can. I've got my strength back and you know what that means; I'm about to get knocked down again. Such is the nature of fighting this disease. I know that some take issue with calling this a fight and I used to be one of them. After what I have been through and what I am about to go through I realize that it is a full scale battle. It's me or the cancer cells even though they came from my body. Still, I'm upbeat. It's a beautiful day and I feel wonderful. I am going to bask in the joy of now.

Living my life

I've been thinking about the next few months as something to get through rather than to be lived. I've been wrong. I was reading The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life last night. James Martin's father is dying and Father Martin isn't sure that he can walk the path of his father's suffering. A friend, Sister Janice asks him, "Can you surrender to the future that God has in store for you?" He concludes that (obedience) "is stepping onto the path of daily life and continuing on it".

I have a long road ahead of me. I know that in these next few months there will be some really tough times but I also know that there will be times to treasure in my heart. Each day of my life is a gift from God. Each breath that I take is because God sustains me. I have to surrender to what God has in store for me. In surrendering there is trust. I trust that he will be with the whole way. I'll know more what chemotherapy is like after it starts. I think that part of my fears are the fears of the unknown and that's where I have to step out in faith with God.

Moments of Grace

The third time was the charm. My margins are clear--no more surgery! I'm really happy about that. I'll be starting chemotherapy next week. The sooner I start it the sooner it will be over.

I'm reading a book called The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life by James Martin, S.J. It talks about looking through your day and finding the times that God was present. You can find Him in very ordinary circumstances. I find Him at the clinic when I start fainting and panicking and someone from the staff rubs my arm and tells me that they will take good care of me. Their touches tell me they are there more than their words. I find Him in the touch of my husband's hand and in all the myriad ways my family works to care for me during this rocky time. One daughter cleans my house. Another ferries me to the doctor. My son calls me and visits me from miles away. My brother talks about visiting me which he hasn't done in years. My brother-in-law calls to see how I am doing. My sister-in-law waits for me through two surgeries as does my mother-in-law. My church supports me and prays for me and friends and family pray for me as well. I am truly blessed and amazed. I don't have to look far for the hand of God.

Full speed ahead to Grouchville

Wednesday I had an appointment with my surgeon. I didn't think I needed to take anyone with me because I was sure there would be good news. Wrong! The path report from my second surgery came in and they found a new spot, ductal carcinoma in situ. It was not good news. Oh well, at least the third surgery is done. They had a cancellation on Friday and fit me in. I'm recovering faster this time and Lady and I walked to the library today with no problems.

Thursday I had my appointment with both the oncologist and the radiation oncologist. My husband was by my side for both appointments. I am at stage IIb I found. The oncologist wants to start me on chemo as soon as my breast heals. I hope my new path report shows clear margins so that my breast can actually heal. He is going to treat my cancer aggressively if my body can take it. I get a heart scan next week to find out. This Wednesday they are going to install a chest port so that they don't have to poke around for veins so much in the 20 weeks of chemo. My appointment with radiation oncology was basically a get-acquainted time. The six weeks of radiation won't take place until after chemo. I was totally wiped out after those appointments. They told me all the side effects I can expect. Oh, joy!

I feel like I'm being sucked into the cancer vortex. When first diagnosed I hoped that the path to recovery would be a "bump in the road". I would have my mastectomy or lumpectomy and my radiation and I would get on with my life post haste. I couldn't have a nice little tame tumor. I had to have one that spread to the lymph nodes. I haven't gotten clear margins (cancer free tissue) on my path sample yet. I hate surgery. It hurts. I like my hair. I like my health. I don't want to go to the doctor all the time. Grump!

One of my daughters suggested a book for me. I bought it immediately for my Kindle.

It's called

Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America by Barbara Ehrenreich. I love the first chapter, "Smile or Die: The Bright Side of Cancer". Everyone tells us that we have to remain positive in order to fight our cancer. Ms. Ehrenreich writes that cancer is not positive. It has not been proven that a positive attitude leads to better outcomes. Grouchville here I come!

Reading for distraction

I'm getting stronger. Lady and I were able to walk to the library downhill and back from it uphill. The Seattle weather is beautiful today, blue skies and warm temperatures.
I've been reading as many books as I did when I worked in a bookstore. They help distract me from heavy moods. Right now I am reading The Full Cupboard of Life.

It's the fifth in the Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency series. It's a great escape to Botswana to follow the adventures of the "traditionally built" lady detective Mma. Precious Ramotswe.
I am also reading a more serious book of short stories called Say You're One of Them
by a Nigerian Jesuit priest, Uwem Akpan.


The stories are written from children's points of view to some pretty horrible but real situations. Jesuits try to "find God in all things". I have to strain very hard to see the hand of God in these stories but it is there. I can only absorb one story at a time and then need to go back to The Full Cupboard of Life.
If there's one thing to be said about breast cancer, it gives you time for reading. Thank goodness for libraries, bookstores, and Amazon.

Two days post-surgery

I'm two days post-surgery and I just took off the dressing and took a shower. That was a lot of work. Now I'm resting on the couch. I'm more tired this Saturday than I was after last week's surgery. Evidently twice isn't the charm. I have been taking little walks to the mail box and up to the neighbors with Lady.
My medical center will soon be my home away from home. I have an appointment with my surgeon on Wednesday as a follow up. Thursday morning I have my first visit with my oncologist and Thursday afternoon I see the radiation oncology people for a consult. I'm bringing my daughter with me as an extra pair of ears per their suggestion.
I am not used to this. I've often worried about my health thinking that this sign or that sign is cancer. The tests come back and I'm fine. This time I am most definitely not fine.