July 8th is frightfully close. I call tomorrow to see what time I'm scheduled for. Why don't we just call this cancer thing off? I'll have vacation time on my books after July 16th; maybe instead of surgery I could fly out of the country and sit in an Irish pub drinking Jamison's or Guinness or Harp. That really sounds like a much better idea than having my tumor and some lymph nodes removed.

I can't run away from my cancer. I'm an adult. Adults don't put up a fuss when poked and prodded and stitched. Adults say, "I will do anything I need to do to fight this cancer." We understand why the procedures are being done unlike cats, dogs, or kids. When my cats have had surgeries they have no idea why they can't eat after midnight the day before the surgery. "Mom, you're up and we're hungry." This Thursday morning I'll have to watch everyone else eat.

Now that I'm finished complaining I want to talk about the spiritual side of all this. On Sunday I was a lector and proclaimed about Jerusalem, "Oh that you may suck fully of the milk of her comfort, that you may nurse with delight at her abundant breasts."(Isaiah 66:11 NAB). Does that seem ironic to anyone but me? I told Father Dunstan that I would be having surgery this Thursday and he laid his hands on me and prayed for me. Then it seemed like his homily was meant for me. In the Gospel, the sending of the 72 (Luke 10:1-12, 17-20), Jesus tells his disciples to eat what is put in front of them when staying at a house. Father Dunstan said we who give care need to be ready to receive care as well. We are not to refuse the food (love) they put before us. I don't think it's possible to survive cancer without accepting love.

I am spending my pre-surgery days getting housework done. Some times are filled with fear and others are filled with a quiet acceptance of whatever God wants to throw at me. I know that God and my friends and family are with me every step of the way.

Cancer, Cancer, Cancer

There, I've said the word. I have breast cancer. I had a routine mammogram. I got the dreaded call back but I wasn't too worried because that has happened to me before. Last year they took extra films and an ultrasound and that was that. This time I had the extra films, the ultrasound, and then a biopsy. I have infiltrating mammary carcinoma. I've met with the surgeon and his team of nurses. I'm scheduled for surgery July 8th. I have mixed feelings. I want the time to go fast so that I get the surgery over and done with and so that my cancer can be staged. I also want the time to go slowly because each day marches me closer to surgical pain and the hassles of treatment. Right now, I don't feel too bad. It's the treatment that's going to make me feel bad. If I sound like a whiner, I am. I freely admit it.
When I hit 50 I came to the realization that I really would die some time in the future. I don't know or how or when I will die but everyone leaves this world in a box. I have more time behind me than ahead of me. When I found out I had breast cancer I couldn't ask, "Why me?" I knew it might as well be me as someone else. People get sick. They die. It's the way of the world. Besides, there has to be room in the world for all the new people. I'm not dead yet and may not be for a long time but cancer gives me pause for contemplation.

Sick at Work

Some of our workers need to go to work when they are sick because they cannot afford to lose a day's pay.

notes from the checkout

On my last shift the weather outside was wonderful. As our local newspaper said, the thermometer finally caught up with the season. I frequently work in the afternoons so I can walk Lady in the morning and catch some sun. My customers tell me how sorry they feel for me to be stuck inside on a beautiful day. I tell them that it's much better to be employed and inside instead of unemployed and outside. Trust me, people, we know the weather outside; we have windows.
Our union is in the midst of negotiations with the big grocery chains. The independents will settle for whatever the chains and the union agree upon. It's a disconcerting time. We have extended the contract to June but right now both sides are pretty far away on the issues. It would be nice to get some of the extra things that we are asking for but I just hope we don't lose anything. Some of our members do not get paid until the third day they are sick. lWhere I work we can get sick pay the first day with a doctor's note. Management wants to increase our deductible and make it so that new hires have to wait 24 months to get their families insured. We need fair health care for all of our employees.

Lent

I always seem to begin Lent reluctantly but yesterday was Ash Wednesday and here I am. I went to mass at 7am yesterday morning. Father John traced an ash cross on my forehead and I received Eucharist. I didn't have to start work until almost 10am so I spent some time at Hotwire Coffee eating breakfast and wasting time. All through the day I would see customers who had ashes on their foreheads and hear from others who said that they would be going to mass or church later in the day. One woman told me I had a smudge on my forehead and I explained Ash Wednesday. She knew about Fat Tuesday but didn't know what Ash Wednesday was for. I explained that Fat Tuesday was the prelude to Ash Wednesday, a feast before the fast. I'm glad I went to mass early yesterday. It meant that I wore my ashes all day and for a brief time I was a sign.
Now I am on day 2 of Lent. I've given up alcohol for the duration and I signed up for the Days of Deepening Friendship retreat. It's a good way to keep praying and to spend special time in prayer and meditation during this special season. I don't like the fasting part of Lent but I do like the praying. May this Lent bring you closer to God.

notes from the checkout: The I hate coupons rant

I have advice for all consumers. Get a magnifying glass and read the stupid fine print. Of course the manufacturer or the store puts FREE in giant letters but it puts the requirements for redemption in teeny tiny fine print. Some say you must spend $50 or some other fixed amount in the store before becoming eligible and didn't you know that that $50 can't be liquor, cigarettes, or heaven forbid, fluid milk? The sale price is in large letters but in fine print it says must buy four for the sale price, all people with no storage space must pay regular price. The consumer knows none of until they come to the cash register. When the coupon doesn't work who gets grumped at? Why it's me, the cashier. I suppose it's somewhat justified since I wear the logo of my company on my apron. After all, I'm the most convenient. As a consumer myself I hate clipping coupons because I often forget to use them or they are on something I never use. I feel your pain.

A holy moment with a cat

I took our cat Hazzard to the vet today. He is 15 years-old and has been due for his rabies shot since he likes to go outside and sit in the sun from time to time. He also had his fully dilated swollen eye looked at. I usually don't take him to the vet because we have a deal. He doesn't pee in my car or run away from home and I don't take him to the vet.

The doctor was running late so while we were waiting we sat on the exam-room floor. I wanted to be as nervous as Hazzard but that would only upset him more. I've found that the way to have a calm pet is to be calm myself. I knew that he was blind in his eye so that it must be something bad. So, there we were on the floor and I prayed my centering prayer word, Jesus, over and over again. While Hazzard and I waited we sat with God together, breathing slowly.

Hazzard has to have his eye removed. He either has glaucoma or cancer. The surgery is scheduled next week. He is already avoiding me. I'm not letting him outside until he feels safe with me again. Next week I will be in real trouble with him. He's really mad at my but I know that I did the right thing. Doing nothing was not an option. I just wish that he knew that.