Hazzard's back home

Hazzard is home. Mr. Dermody picked him up from the vet's yesterday evening. The lab work doesn't look good but for now, Hazzard does. I'm enjoying his company. He's eating and drinking and even popped outside for five minutes. It's a little chilly so I don't blame him for coming back in. He likes warm sunny days, so do I.

It's one day post chemo for me and it's not too bad. I'm fatigued but that gives me a great excuse to sit on the couch with Hazzard and Lady. They are all about relaxing.

I don't want to say good-bye to an old friend

Hazzard the cat

Here I am another two days before chemo. Life doesn't stop just because you have cancer. My sixteen year-old cat Hazzard is fighting kidney problems. I've talked about him before. He had one eye removed in January and has been doing pretty well for an elderly kitty since then. Just this last week he started failing so we dropped him off yesterday at the vet's for IV fluids. We are hoping to get him out of this crisis but we are also realistic. We'll find out tomorrow or Thursday what the verdict is. If it's Thursday, my husband will need to pick him up because I might not be feeling well enough.

I got to visit Hazzard at the clinic today. He loved being pet and being around me. I wanted him to know that we had not abandoned him. I also told him that I knew all about IV's. Whatever happens to him I want him be comfortable, the same thing I would want in his dilemma. You've heard about living in the moment? I was living in the moment but I was also living in Hazzard's kittenhood. We had to keep him separated from our adult cat Stormy who had Feline Leukemia Virus until Hazzard was fully immunized. He had to stay in a room in the basement with visits from us. Hazzard was so smart that he figured out how to escape via the ductwork. Take that Dermodys! As you can tell from his advanced age Hazzard never became infected. We have three younger cats from age 4-10. Hazzard has put up with them all as kittens with grace and aplomb. I know that he's led a rich and full kitty-life but it won't be any easier to say good-bye to him whether he dies this time or his during next health crisis. I love you Mr. Hazzafrazz.

The privilege of going to church

I'm able to make it to church every other week now. Right after chemo, I'm too nauseated and fatigued. It makes me appreciate going to mass more than ever. I miss weekly Eucharist and I miss my church friends.

Yesterday was my day to go to mass. I arrived in my pink scarf, a sign, a person with cancer who made it out of the house. I saw many people I haven't seen in months. One of our number, a woman in her eighties had injured herself in a fall and had a long rehabilitation. It was so good to see her. I had been afraid that for her this would be the fall that disabled her for life. Thank God it wasn't. Another woman had also been out for months with health problems. She was back. There were a couple of women behind me in the pew that I didn't recognize so I introduced myself. They were an adult daughter from Seattle and her mother from out of state. The mother noticed me as one of the afflicted and asked how I was doing. It turns out that she had fought a similar battle against breast cancer ten years ago and she is now fine. She asked me to repeat my name and told me that she would pray for me and that she really meant it. We talked about how important it is for us to have people praying for us. She said that she could feel the prayers of those who had prayed for her. I can't feel prayers but my heart knows that friends, family, and even strangers are praying for me giving me courage and hope.

The mass proceeds from Liturgy of the Word to Liturgy of the Eucharist. We pray the Eucharistic Prayer and we sing the communion procession song of the day. I walk forward realizing how privileged I am to receive Jesus. I eat the bread and drink the wine that are His Very Self. I go back to my pew and reflect on how Jesus is coursing through my body and that everyone in that communion procession is receiving Jesus as well. We are truly the Body of Christ and we are meant to be transformed.

How does Christ being infused in me transform me? What does it mean for my life? As a person with cancer it means that my cancer is not just about me. It is about my friends, family, co-workers, fellow parishioners, doctors, nurses, technicians, receptionists, and phlebotomists. All are affected by my diagnosis and all need love. I know that I can't take care of everyone's feelings; that's not my job. I need to be a calm presence when I can and receive the love and care of others when I can't, when I need someone to be a calm presence. I need to be transformed by Christ.

Hair

My hair falls

Like pine needles on a dry Christmas tree.

My breast doesn't hurt anymore

My breast doesn't hurt anymore. I don't know when it stopped but I can be hugged and I can reach high above my head. It's amazing. I think I expected the pain to last for months if not forever. Even the incision arount the port is healed. There's a little tenderness when I lie on it but not much. After round #1 of chemo I was really sick but I feel pretty good now. I have my next chemo in two days; it's time to get sick again. I can do it, especially after I've found that I'm not nauseous and fatigued all the time. I'll have a few days of awfullness and then I will begin to rise again. I was talking to God just after my last chemo and told him that I didn't think I could do this chemo thing if I was going to be sicker than a dog all the time. You see, I thought that was going to last forever too.

I think the most difficult part this whole thing is keeping hope alive when I am at my sickest. I need to know that the Promised Land comes after the Desert. It helps to know that God understands my despair. The Psalms are so helpful in expressing pain. One that has helped me is Psalm 55. It starts, "Listen God to my prayer; do not hide from my pleading, hear me and give answer. I rock with grief..." (Psalm 55:2-3a, NAB). The Word of God does not sugarcoat pain. Life is good now but it's back to the Desert in two days.

I've got a couple more book recommendations. The first is In the Company of Cheerful Ladies by Alexander McCall Smith, another installment of the #1 Ladies Detective Agency. Mma. Ramotswe's no-good ex-husband shows up and tries to blackmail her. He doesn't know whom he is dealing with.

The second is Juliet, Naked, by Nick Hornby. Annie's significant other Duncan is obsessed with Tucker Crowe, a 1980's musician who abruptly ends his career after a trip to a bathroom bar. Duncan oversees a fan website dedicated to Mr. Crowe who hasn't been heard from in over twenty years. Annie posts on the website, Tucker e-mails her, and the fun ensues.

If I have to be on medical leave, I might as well have fun.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

It's so much easier to feel positive when I feel good like I do today. Lady and I were able to walk along part of the Longfellow Creek Legacy Trail. Getting there and back involves going downhill and uphill. It's a much better workout than walking on the flat and today was the first day after chemo round #1 that I have felt well enough to try it. We walked past the beaver pond and there were scores of mallard ducks. We waited at the ponds edge and watched them. They streamed over to see if we had any food. We started walking off and the ducks gave up on us. It's a good thing too. We didn't have anything for them. The trail is so beautiful this time of year. The deciduous trees still have all their leaves and form a canopy overhead.

After the walk I dropped Lady off at home and drove to the clinic for my last Nuepogen injection this cycle. It's just a little subcutaneous poke. The whole visit takes about 10 minutes from check-in to needle stick. Now I'm at Starbucks playing with my computer. I haven't been able to stomach coffee since my chemo treatment but I can do plain black tea. Ohhh, that and a pumpkin scone, mmmm.

Good read

I had my first round of chemo last Thursday. By Friday I was sicker than a dog. Speaking of dogs I just read Dog on It: A Chet and Bernie Mystery (Chet and Bernie Mysteries) by Spencer Quinn. It's a great read when I'm miserable and a great read when I'm not like today when I'm feeling better. It's told from Chet the dog's point of view. Sometimes when telling the tale he goes off on little tangents like wondering why Bernie isn't redeeming those 2 for 1 rib coupons but Chet keeps on the case.