A Happy Birthday

Let's just get this out of the way.  The 58th anniversary of my birth fell on the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.  I wonder if people born on December 7th (Pearl Harbor anniversary) have the same sort of problem I do.  People wonder if I should be bummed about having my birthday on such a solemn day.  I answer that I was born long before those terrorists were in diapers.  I mourn the state the world is in but I celebrate my birthday.

Last year I was really sick from chemo for my birthday and couldn't enjoy it at all.  Although there is something to be said about being alive to celebrate one's birthday, so last year had something going for it after all.  This whole summer I've been grateful for the contrast between this year and last year.  This year Lady and I can walk as far as we want.  I can let nature unfold all around us.  I felt like I totally missed last summer.  Bed is no substitute for walking along the creek listening to birdsong and reveling in the joy of life.  My birthday weekend was great this year.  After work on Saturday Martin took me to A Terrible Beauty, a new Irish pub in West Seattle.  I had a couple of pint of Harps and I even had cake for dessert!  Then yesterday on my birthday proper the festivities continued.  My friend Moe from church made a card for me, there were lots of happy birthdays on Facebook, my son called from Oakland, my daughter on the road texted me, my brother called me,  and my oldest daughter and her husband took Mr. D and me out for dinner at The Rusty Pelican in Wallingford.  Ahhh, satisfaction.  

Progress

Radiation is over and I get my port out next week. It's been wonderful but tiring to be back at work. It's been amazing how many of my customers are cancer survivors. I had no idea there were so many of us. There are stories to be told of struggles with chemo and lost hair. One young man hasn't cut his hair for over ten years. He's not willing to part with an inch of his hair. I can't say I blame him but I think I'll get mine cut when the time comes into some cute style. Right now my hair is a quarter of an inch long so there isn't much danger of me putting the scissors to it any time soon.

Radiation was definitely easier than chemo. It gave me a fatigue I could manage. I'd get up, get my treatment, take a nap, eat lunch, and then go to work. Through it all I was able to take Lady for walks and build up my stamina. I am working part time which is plenty. Most of all I am happy and ready to face my future with hope.

Thoughts on getting my energy back, the meaning of suffering, and the Incarnation

I am getting my energy back and it is wonderful! Lady and I have been walking on hills. The 'up' is getting a little easier each time. I am rediscovering Longfellow Creek. Today we went on a short walk because Lady is a bit under the weather with gastrointestinal issues. It's so amazing to take my morning shower and not be exhausted afterwards. The nails are starting to heal. They had been quite painful. They have stopped bleeding and so has my nose. Now I just wish my hair would grow back. All in good time, my friend, all in good time. I need to trust in the slow work of God that Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote about.

Next month I start radiation therapy. I'm optimistic that it will be better than chemo as advertised. I know I'll be tired; I've heard that from the medical people and friends and family. I'm a little nervous though. Every time I start to really recover, I get knocked down again. Oh well, it's time to relish the now and put it deeply in my memory for tougher times. I sometimes complain about the being present to the now when I am having trouble.

Oh dear, that brings to mind the difficult questions like the meaning of suffering. Suffering is no joy for me and I do not seek it. It is part and parcel of this human life, a part that Jesus shared with us. He was not enthusiastic about suffering but he endured it. He knew what it was to be hungry, to be betrayed by a close friend, and what it was to be tortured. The incarnation of Jesus is truly amazing. He knew what it meant to be human and chose to come to Earth anyway.

Oh Lord, give me the strength to bear my crosses with grace.

December joys

I saw my oncologist yesterday. I made it 75% through the Taxol treatments but I was starting to develop a spreading rash, worsening motor control and pain in my fingertips (aka neuropathy) and have been fighting an infection under my fingernails that makes them bleed and smell like old cheese. The side effects of chemo outweigh the benefits. I had a transfusion of red blood cells two weeks ago and it's really helped my blood count and hematocrit. Dr. C. said that the 75% was probably enough and asked if I would mind stopping chemo.

Mind? I was ecstatic! Now I can start feeling normal again. I have three weeks to heal before I start radiation therapy. I'll be able to enjoy my family for Christmas instead of being two days post chemo. I can start growing my eyelashes back! Thanks be to God!

I don't want to say good-bye to an old friend

Hazzard the cat

Here I am another two days before chemo. Life doesn't stop just because you have cancer. My sixteen year-old cat Hazzard is fighting kidney problems. I've talked about him before. He had one eye removed in January and has been doing pretty well for an elderly kitty since then. Just this last week he started failing so we dropped him off yesterday at the vet's for IV fluids. We are hoping to get him out of this crisis but we are also realistic. We'll find out tomorrow or Thursday what the verdict is. If it's Thursday, my husband will need to pick him up because I might not be feeling well enough.

I got to visit Hazzard at the clinic today. He loved being pet and being around me. I wanted him to know that we had not abandoned him. I also told him that I knew all about IV's. Whatever happens to him I want him be comfortable, the same thing I would want in his dilemma. You've heard about living in the moment? I was living in the moment but I was also living in Hazzard's kittenhood. We had to keep him separated from our adult cat Stormy who had Feline Leukemia Virus until Hazzard was fully immunized. He had to stay in a room in the basement with visits from us. Hazzard was so smart that he figured out how to escape via the ductwork. Take that Dermodys! As you can tell from his advanced age Hazzard never became infected. We have three younger cats from age 4-10. Hazzard has put up with them all as kittens with grace and aplomb. I know that he's led a rich and full kitty-life but it won't be any easier to say good-bye to him whether he dies this time or his during next health crisis. I love you Mr. Hazzafrazz.

Hair

My hair falls

Like pine needles on a dry Christmas tree.

My breast doesn't hurt anymore

My breast doesn't hurt anymore. I don't know when it stopped but I can be hugged and I can reach high above my head. It's amazing. I think I expected the pain to last for months if not forever. Even the incision arount the port is healed. There's a little tenderness when I lie on it but not much. After round #1 of chemo I was really sick but I feel pretty good now. I have my next chemo in two days; it's time to get sick again. I can do it, especially after I've found that I'm not nauseous and fatigued all the time. I'll have a few days of awfullness and then I will begin to rise again. I was talking to God just after my last chemo and told him that I didn't think I could do this chemo thing if I was going to be sicker than a dog all the time. You see, I thought that was going to last forever too.

I think the most difficult part this whole thing is keeping hope alive when I am at my sickest. I need to know that the Promised Land comes after the Desert. It helps to know that God understands my despair. The Psalms are so helpful in expressing pain. One that has helped me is Psalm 55. It starts, "Listen God to my prayer; do not hide from my pleading, hear me and give answer. I rock with grief..." (Psalm 55:2-3a, NAB). The Word of God does not sugarcoat pain. Life is good now but it's back to the Desert in two days.

I've got a couple more book recommendations. The first is In the Company of Cheerful Ladies by Alexander McCall Smith, another installment of the #1 Ladies Detective Agency. Mma. Ramotswe's no-good ex-husband shows up and tries to blackmail her. He doesn't know whom he is dealing with.

The second is Juliet, Naked, by Nick Hornby. Annie's significant other Duncan is obsessed with Tucker Crowe, a 1980's musician who abruptly ends his career after a trip to a bathroom bar. Duncan oversees a fan website dedicated to Mr. Crowe who hasn't been heard from in over twenty years. Annie posts on the website, Tucker e-mails her, and the fun ensues.

If I have to be on medical leave, I might as well have fun.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

It's so much easier to feel positive when I feel good like I do today. Lady and I were able to walk along part of the Longfellow Creek Legacy Trail. Getting there and back involves going downhill and uphill. It's a much better workout than walking on the flat and today was the first day after chemo round #1 that I have felt well enough to try it. We walked past the beaver pond and there were scores of mallard ducks. We waited at the ponds edge and watched them. They streamed over to see if we had any food. We started walking off and the ducks gave up on us. It's a good thing too. We didn't have anything for them. The trail is so beautiful this time of year. The deciduous trees still have all their leaves and form a canopy overhead.

After the walk I dropped Lady off at home and drove to the clinic for my last Nuepogen injection this cycle. It's just a little subcutaneous poke. The whole visit takes about 10 minutes from check-in to needle stick. Now I'm at Starbucks playing with my computer. I haven't been able to stomach coffee since my chemo treatment but I can do plain black tea. Ohhh, that and a pumpkin scone, mmmm.

Good read

I had my first round of chemo last Thursday. By Friday I was sicker than a dog. Speaking of dogs I just read Dog on It: A Chet and Bernie Mystery (Chet and Bernie Mysteries) by Spencer Quinn. It's a great read when I'm miserable and a great read when I'm not like today when I'm feeling better. It's told from Chet the dog's point of view. Sometimes when telling the tale he goes off on little tangents like wondering why Bernie isn't redeeming those 2 for 1 rib coupons but Chet keeps on the case.

It's a beautiful sunny day

It's a beautiful sunny day and I'm happy. I saw my surgeon for my last check-back and everything was healing nicely. My margins are clear and I've known that for a while. It was just so nice to leave that office on an upbeat note. Dr. W reminded me that I know where he is if I should need him again. We both hope that I won't be needing his services any time soon.

I'm getting prepared for chemo which starts on Thursday. I've been told by others who have walked this road to get lots of water, juices, and such. Both my fellow survivors and my dental hygienist recommend Biotene products. One of the side effects of chemo is dry mouth and sometimes mouth sores. I've stocked up on all of the above at Safeway. I'm shopping while I can. I've got my strength back and you know what that means; I'm about to get knocked down again. Such is the nature of fighting this disease. I know that some take issue with calling this a fight and I used to be one of them. After what I have been through and what I am about to go through I realize that it is a full scale battle. It's me or the cancer cells even though they came from my body. Still, I'm upbeat. It's a beautiful day and I feel wonderful. I am going to bask in the joy of now.