Hair

My hair falls

Like pine needles on a dry Christmas tree.

My breast doesn't hurt anymore

My breast doesn't hurt anymore. I don't know when it stopped but I can be hugged and I can reach high above my head. It's amazing. I think I expected the pain to last for months if not forever. Even the incision arount the port is healed. There's a little tenderness when I lie on it but not much. After round #1 of chemo I was really sick but I feel pretty good now. I have my next chemo in two days; it's time to get sick again. I can do it, especially after I've found that I'm not nauseous and fatigued all the time. I'll have a few days of awfullness and then I will begin to rise again. I was talking to God just after my last chemo and told him that I didn't think I could do this chemo thing if I was going to be sicker than a dog all the time. You see, I thought that was going to last forever too.

I think the most difficult part this whole thing is keeping hope alive when I am at my sickest. I need to know that the Promised Land comes after the Desert. It helps to know that God understands my despair. The Psalms are so helpful in expressing pain. One that has helped me is Psalm 55. It starts, "Listen God to my prayer; do not hide from my pleading, hear me and give answer. I rock with grief..." (Psalm 55:2-3a, NAB). The Word of God does not sugarcoat pain. Life is good now but it's back to the Desert in two days.

I've got a couple more book recommendations. The first is In the Company of Cheerful Ladies by Alexander McCall Smith, another installment of the #1 Ladies Detective Agency. Mma. Ramotswe's no-good ex-husband shows up and tries to blackmail her. He doesn't know whom he is dealing with.

The second is Juliet, Naked, by Nick Hornby. Annie's significant other Duncan is obsessed with Tucker Crowe, a 1980's musician who abruptly ends his career after a trip to a bathroom bar. Duncan oversees a fan website dedicated to Mr. Crowe who hasn't been heard from in over twenty years. Annie posts on the website, Tucker e-mails her, and the fun ensues.

If I have to be on medical leave, I might as well have fun.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

It's so much easier to feel positive when I feel good like I do today. Lady and I were able to walk along part of the Longfellow Creek Legacy Trail. Getting there and back involves going downhill and uphill. It's a much better workout than walking on the flat and today was the first day after chemo round #1 that I have felt well enough to try it. We walked past the beaver pond and there were scores of mallard ducks. We waited at the ponds edge and watched them. They streamed over to see if we had any food. We started walking off and the ducks gave up on us. It's a good thing too. We didn't have anything for them. The trail is so beautiful this time of year. The deciduous trees still have all their leaves and form a canopy overhead.

After the walk I dropped Lady off at home and drove to the clinic for my last Nuepogen injection this cycle. It's just a little subcutaneous poke. The whole visit takes about 10 minutes from check-in to needle stick. Now I'm at Starbucks playing with my computer. I haven't been able to stomach coffee since my chemo treatment but I can do plain black tea. Ohhh, that and a pumpkin scone, mmmm.

Good read

I had my first round of chemo last Thursday. By Friday I was sicker than a dog. Speaking of dogs I just read Dog on It: A Chet and Bernie Mystery (Chet and Bernie Mysteries) by Spencer Quinn. It's a great read when I'm miserable and a great read when I'm not like today when I'm feeling better. It's told from Chet the dog's point of view. Sometimes when telling the tale he goes off on little tangents like wondering why Bernie isn't redeeming those 2 for 1 rib coupons but Chet keeps on the case.

It's a beautiful sunny day

It's a beautiful sunny day and I'm happy. I saw my surgeon for my last check-back and everything was healing nicely. My margins are clear and I've known that for a while. It was just so nice to leave that office on an upbeat note. Dr. W reminded me that I know where he is if I should need him again. We both hope that I won't be needing his services any time soon.

I'm getting prepared for chemo which starts on Thursday. I've been told by others who have walked this road to get lots of water, juices, and such. Both my fellow survivors and my dental hygienist recommend Biotene products. One of the side effects of chemo is dry mouth and sometimes mouth sores. I've stocked up on all of the above at Safeway. I'm shopping while I can. I've got my strength back and you know what that means; I'm about to get knocked down again. Such is the nature of fighting this disease. I know that some take issue with calling this a fight and I used to be one of them. After what I have been through and what I am about to go through I realize that it is a full scale battle. It's me or the cancer cells even though they came from my body. Still, I'm upbeat. It's a beautiful day and I feel wonderful. I am going to bask in the joy of now.

Living my life

I've been thinking about the next few months as something to get through rather than to be lived. I've been wrong. I was reading The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life last night. James Martin's father is dying and Father Martin isn't sure that he can walk the path of his father's suffering. A friend, Sister Janice asks him, "Can you surrender to the future that God has in store for you?" He concludes that (obedience) "is stepping onto the path of daily life and continuing on it".

I have a long road ahead of me. I know that in these next few months there will be some really tough times but I also know that there will be times to treasure in my heart. Each day of my life is a gift from God. Each breath that I take is because God sustains me. I have to surrender to what God has in store for me. In surrendering there is trust. I trust that he will be with the whole way. I'll know more what chemotherapy is like after it starts. I think that part of my fears are the fears of the unknown and that's where I have to step out in faith with God.

Moments of Grace

The third time was the charm. My margins are clear--no more surgery! I'm really happy about that. I'll be starting chemotherapy next week. The sooner I start it the sooner it will be over.

I'm reading a book called The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life by James Martin, S.J. It talks about looking through your day and finding the times that God was present. You can find Him in very ordinary circumstances. I find Him at the clinic when I start fainting and panicking and someone from the staff rubs my arm and tells me that they will take good care of me. Their touches tell me they are there more than their words. I find Him in the touch of my husband's hand and in all the myriad ways my family works to care for me during this rocky time. One daughter cleans my house. Another ferries me to the doctor. My son calls me and visits me from miles away. My brother talks about visiting me which he hasn't done in years. My brother-in-law calls to see how I am doing. My sister-in-law waits for me through two surgeries as does my mother-in-law. My church supports me and prays for me and friends and family pray for me as well. I am truly blessed and amazed. I don't have to look far for the hand of God.