Mrs. Dermody's Faith, Family, and Stories

Mrs. Dermody, Language Police

2012-02-02T16:43:00.000-08:00

The other day one of my customers told me she was proud of me. I was puzzled and asked her what she meant. She said that she has watched me since I returned to work a year ago. Her husband has been in remission and has gone through cancer treatment and she was pleased at how well I was doing. I told her that there wasn't anything that I had done to make me well again. Others have fought the same battle and have lost. I still survive and don't feel special just grateful. I just played the hand I was dealt.

The language police part of me that wanted to take the compliment apart. I looked up the definition of pride in Dictionary.com which says that "It may refer to an affectionate admiration or a justifiable pride concerning someone else." Oh, that's what she meant, an affectionate admiration. I was more thinking along the lines of justifiable pride like when I'm proud of my kids. Okay, thanks, which is what I should have said in the first place.

Honoring the Dead: A letter to Dad

2011-11-16T14:12:00.001-08:00

Hi Dad,
It's been eleven years since you died at age 89 on November 4, 2000. You would be 100 years old by now and we'd probably still be driving each other crazy. Ah, we drove each other crazy but how we loved each other. Your death was not unexpected. You had been in and out of the hospital that last year more times than I could count. After much deliberation you decided to go into assisted living but you didn't stay there long until you were in the hospital again. You were to go to a nursing home to get you back on your feet but you knew you were dying of emphysema and you were tired of fighting. We weren't ready to let you go but had to listen when you decided to go with comfort measures only.

I got the call to come home to Moses Lake to come see you. I came over on a Greyhound Bus with enough clothes to last me a couple of days. I ended staying much longer. I called my manager at my new job at Barnes and Noble in Seattle and told her the situation. She said, "Take as long as you need." I began participating in the vigil at your bed. My oldest brother and I took the day shift. My youngest brother and sister took the night shift. My middle brother couldn't come because he had already taken off a lot of time from work during the year and couldn't manage any more. My aunt flew in to see you one last time. She had been very young when her father died and as big sister's husband you helped fill the roll. We kept you company on your journey. On that last night the nurse told us we'd better call everyone because you would probably die that night. We gathered around your bed, sons, daughters, grandsons, so that we could help you with your journey. The nurse told us to keep talking to you even if you didn't seem responsive; you would know that you were not alone. You died. A young friend of the family and of yours had us make a circle of prayer around you. You were in a place where you didn't have to labor to breathe. You were Home.

I miss you, Dad. I miss talking about the weather on the phone with you. You often wanted us to send some of our Seattle rain to the dry-lands. We didn't see eye-to-eye on religion or politics. It was much safer to talk about rain; on that we could agree. Oh, I want you to know that we take better care of our car now. Mr. D and I take it in for regular maintenance so maybe you wouldn't remind us that you told us that the Dodge that died needed looking at. Yup, we shoulda listened, but you know how kids are.

Love you lots and lots,
C

Honoring the Dead: A Letter to Andrew

2011-11-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Andrew,

It's been half a year since you died. It was in the spring time and it seemed so out of character for Spring to be a season of sadness. Most of the people that I have mourned die in the fall or winter. You died on a rainy night in April; it was almost a monsoon. You took your motorcycle. I wish you could have taken the Volvo. Whenever I ask myself why you had to die I have to remind myself that it was a dark and stormy night and the road was slick. The other driver didn't see you. When you were little your family had a bird that got caught by the family cat. Your sister cried, "Why, why did the bird have to die." You answered, "Because the cat had sharp teeth and claws". There was no cosmic conspiracy. It was just life.

A lot has been happening since you passed. Did you know that they finally have that new skateboard park at Delridge. I remember you riding up and down the street on your skateboard. You would have liked the park. I would love to see you flying up and down those curves. You have a new brother-in-law and a new niece. One of your sisters got married one day in August; the other had a baby the next. It's amazing how much sorrow and joy were packed into such a brief time for your family. Your son is growing into an amazing three year-old. You, your son's mom, and your parents have done a fantastic job!

I miss you so much. Every time I see someone dressed like you I see you. When you died I begged God to give you back. I knew that wasn't possible in the grand scheme of things but I asked the way a child would ask a parent to fix something that is hopelessly broken. I watched you grow up alongside my children. I took care of you while your parents worked. You were almost a brother to my kids and you were almost a son to me. I'm glad that you were a part of my life.

Love,
C

Honoring the dead

2011-11-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

Today is the Feast of All Saints. Tomorrow is the Feast of All Souls. November is the month in which the Catholic Church turns its eyes toward our beloved dead. At Holy Rosary we have been invited to put pictures of loved ones who have died on a special table to honor them. We believe that death is not the end. We pray for the dead and they pray for us. In this change of seasons as the light turns to darkness for more hours, the leaves turn beautiful colors, and the weather grows colder I am drawn toward remembering those whom I have lost. I am writing letters this month to the dead to honor their very special place in my heart. Stay tuned.

Reading recommendation time

2011-10-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've read many good books lately. My Kindle has been very busy.

Please Look After Mom by Kyung-Sook Shin
A mother with dementia goes missing at a train station. It's told from many points of view.

Before I Go to Sleep: A Novel by S.J. Watson
A woman's memories are lost every time she goes to sleep. She must become reacquainted with her husband each morning. She hides a diary so that she can make sense of her life. Is her husband hiding something? A hard to put down thriller.

Dreams of Joy: A Novel by Lisa See
A continuation of the story in Shanghai Girls which was also fantastic. A young American Chinese woman runs away to China during the time of Mao to get away from the mother that she's just found out is her aunt. She finds life very different from the Chinese utopia she imagines.

The Leftovers by Tom Perrotta
People disappear in what might be the Rapture. This is nothing like the Left Behind series. This is actually well written. Those "leftover" try to continue with their lives some by joining a the Guilty Remnant whose members dress in white, take a vow of silence, and must smoke cigarettes.

Children and Fire: A Novel and Stones from the River by Ursula Hegi. I had enjoyed Stones from the River many years ago so when Children and Fire came out I had to read it. Some of the characters are in both books. They deal with the first world war, the depression Germany had afterwards, and the resulting Third Reich. Both show how simple it is to be eased into evil and the price of its resistance. I re-read Stones from the River and realized once again how excellent it was. You don't need to read one book to understand the other but do yourself a favor and read both of them.

Then They Came for Me: A Family's Story of Love, Captivity, and Survival by Maziar Bahari and Aimee Malloy. I saw Mr. Bahari on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart speaking about his ordeal in Iran during and after the elections in Iran. He went there to report on a most exciting time of hope for great change and ended up imprisoned and tortured in Evin prison. He survived by remembering his father and his sister who had suffered in Iran's most notorious prison in the past under different leaders

Enjoy, friends.

A Happy Birthday

2011-09-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

Let's just get this out of the way. The 58th anniversary of my birth fell on the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I wonder if people born on December 7th (Pearl Harbor anniversary) have the same sort of problem I do. People wonder if I should be bummed about having my birthday on such a solemn day. I answer that I was born long before those terrorists were in diapers. I mourn the state the world is in but I celebrate my birthday.

Last year I was really sick from chemo for my birthday and couldn't enjoy it at all. Although there is something to be said about being alive to celebrate one's birthday, so last year had something going for it after all. This whole summer I've been grateful for the contrast between this year and last year. This year Lady and I can walk as far as we want. I can let nature unfold all around us. I felt like I totally missed last summer. Bed is no substitute for walking along the creek listening to birdsong and reveling in the joy of life. My birthday weekend was great this year. After work on Saturday Martin took me to A Terrible Beauty, a new Irish pub in West Seattle. I had a couple of pint of Harps and I even had cake for dessert! Then yesterday on my birthday proper the festivities continued. My friend Moe from church made a card for me, there were lots of happy birthdays on Facebook, my son called from Oakland, my daughter on the road texted me, my brother called me, and my oldest daughter and her husband took Mr. D and me out for dinner at The Rusty Pelican in Wallingford. Ahhh, satisfaction.

Oncology appointment

2011-06-07T15:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a customer at the store was congratulating me on my positive attitude. I was happy to be working in a place with windows on a sunny day rather than being bummed out about it. This morning as I was driving to my oncology appointment I was smugly patting myself on the back for my good attitude. Then, on Delridge Way traffic comes to a slow crawl at Edmunds Street. It is one slow car length ahead at a time. As we are crawling along someone slams into my rear end. Great, you're going 5 miles and hour and you can't keep from hitting me! Both of us get out and seeing there is no damage we continue on our way. My attitude is not so positive! Okay, we finally make the West Seattle Bridge. Traffic looks like it's moving. Hooray, that wasn't so bad. I might even make it to my appointment on time, no worries. I don't take the freeway because it is really slow as usual. I take my normal route to the clinic on 23rd. La, de, dah. I get to McLellan and there is sign that says 23rd closed. I have to detour on Rainier Avenue and so does everyone else! When I get to the clinic, I can't find a spot in the lot until I cruise for a time. Growl! I've got a negative attitude. At least the clinic staff is kind and I get to see my doctor. Moral of the story: Don't think you're so hot. You might get a lesson in humility.

I'm happy to say that I'm doing really well. I had no complaints for the doctor and he didn't find anything for me to complain about. The Arimidex is not causing me any side effects that I know of. I just pop the pill every night and I'm fine. I have another four months before I see my oncologist again and have a mammogram in another year.

There is some sad news from our store. Two of us who were battling cancer are now back but on Saturday the third person, a checker for many years, lost her battle. We had been hoping she would be back. Rest in peace, Barb.

First post treatment mammogram

2011-06-02T16:30:00.001-07:00

I had my baseline mammogram done this morning. This is just routine. Still I felt a little anxious. It was a routine mammogram that caught the last cancer. I'm not worried, just cautious. After all, they nuked my cancer back to the stone age. I have an appointment with my oncologist on Tuesday to discuss the results.

I am amazed at how good I feel. I had gained weight with treatment and now I am slowly losing weight with Weight Watchers online program. I'm eating healthier and walking a lot. I'm sure that's got a lot to do with how healthy I feel. It also doesn't hurt that chemicals and radiation have stopped bombarding my body. I just hope it stays that way (see above paragraph).

Progress

2011-03-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

Radiation is over and I get my port out next week. It's been wonderful but tiring to be back at work. It's been amazing how many of my customers are cancer survivors. I had no idea there were so many of us. There are stories to be told of struggles with chemo and lost hair. One young man hasn't cut his hair for over ten years. He's not willing to part with an inch of his hair. I can't say I blame him but I think I'll get mine cut when the time comes into some cute style. Right now my hair is a quarter of an inch long so there isn't much danger of me putting the scissors to it any time soon.

Radiation was definitely easier than chemo. It gave me a fatigue I could manage. I'd get up, get my treatment, take a nap, eat lunch, and then go to work. Through it all I was able to take Lady for walks and build up my stamina. I am working part time which is plenty. Most of all I am happy and ready to face my future with hope.

The next phase

2011-01-15T15:15:00.001-08:00

It snowed Tuesday night and the snow stayed less than 24 hours. This is a picture of Longfellow Creek on Wednesday. I had some library books to return and some holds to pick up so Lady and I decided to walk to Delridge Library via the creek trail. It is now raining. Welcome to Seattle.

I'm feeling great right now. It's been over a month since my last chemo. I'm noticing fuzz on my head. I still look bald but there is hope. I had salt and pepper hair before; the fuzz is gray. Wednesday I start my radiation treatments. They will occur every workday for the next 6 weeks. After Wednesday I'll be able to tell work when they can schedule me. I'm looking forward to working again and having life a little more predictable.

New beginnings

2010-12-30T13:54:00.000-08:00

Shortly it will be 2011. I'm looking forward to the new year. Every day I feel better. Every day I can push myself a little farther. God is good. I know that my radiation therapy starts in January but that is the future. This is the now that is very easy to exult in. Seattle's sun is shining. It's cold but beautiful.

I have really enjoyed the holiday season. My son and his significant other are visiting from Oakland and my 2 daughters and their husbands live in Seattle. It's so nice to have all my children close at hand. It's so nice to feel well enough to enjoy them totally. I got to be at the extended Dermody family at Christmas with my grandniece, almost 9 months old. She's cruising around and it's so fun to see her get where she wants. Also, being able to buy toys again for Christmas, priceless!

May all of you have a blessed New Year and may there be peace in your hearts.

Thoughts on getting my energy back, the meaning of suffering, and the Incarnation

2010-12-21T13:14:00.000-08:00

I am getting my energy back and it is wonderful! Lady and I have been walking on hills. The 'up' is getting a little easier each time. I am rediscovering Longfellow Creek. Today we went on a short walk because Lady is a bit under the weather with gastrointestinal issues. It's so amazing to take my morning shower and not be exhausted afterwards. The nails are starting to heal. They had been quite painful. They have stopped bleeding and so has my nose. Now I just wish my hair would grow back. All in good time, my friend, all in good time. I need to trust in the slow work of God that Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote about.

Next month I start radiation therapy. I'm optimistic that it will be better than chemo as advertised. I know I'll be tired; I've heard that from the medical people and friends and family. I'm a little nervous though. Every time I start to really recover, I get knocked down again. Oh well, it's time to relish the now and put it deeply in my memory for tougher times. I sometimes complain about the being present to the now when I am having trouble.

Oh dear, that brings to mind the difficult questions like the meaning of suffering. Suffering is no joy for me and I do not seek it. It is part and parcel of this human life, a part that Jesus shared with us. He was not enthusiastic about suffering but he endured it. He knew what it was to be hungry, to be betrayed by a close friend, and what it was to be tortured. The incarnation of Jesus is truly amazing. He knew what it meant to be human and chose to come to Earth anyway.

Oh Lord, give me the strength to bear my crosses with grace.

December joys

2010-12-10T11:59:00.000-08:00

I saw my oncologist yesterday. I made it 75% through the Taxol treatments but I was starting to develop a spreading rash, worsening motor control and pain in my fingertips (aka neuropathy) and have been fighting an infection under my fingernails that makes them bleed and smell like old cheese. The side effects of chemo outweigh the benefits. I had a transfusion of red blood cells two weeks ago and it's really helped my blood count and hematocrit. Dr. C. said that the 75% was probably enough and asked if I would mind stopping chemo.

Mind? I was ecstatic! Now I can start feeling normal again. I have three weeks to heal before I start radiation therapy. I'll be able to enjoy my family for Christmas instead of being two days post chemo. I can start growing my eyelashes back! Thanks be to God!

November blues

2010-11-17T13:36:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Taxol treatment #7 of 12. If all goes well I should have my last chemotherapy treatment 2 days before Christmas. I wonder how many weeks after that until I start the recovery process. I'm tired of being fatigued. Taxol and alcohol don't mix; I miss wine, beer, and Irish whiskey. I like the taste and I like the buzz. Maybe I can take coffee, my other allowed drug of choice with maybe some heavy cream to Thanksgiving dinner, something a little on the decadent side.

Yesterday I ran to an old friend from my old church at the grocery store. She asked me where I was going for Thanksgiving dinner. I told her I would be going to my mother-in-law's house. We traditionally go there but this year it makes it especially easy for me and Mr D (when we have turkey at home Mr D usually cooks it). I said that I would be making last night's dinner though. I told her that my last chemo would be Christmas week and went on to tell her more about my breast cancer battle. She was honest with me and told me that I looked like I was in chemo and she had tears in her eyes. I don't know if they were for me or not. I told her that my oncologist held a lot of hope for my beating this thing. I hope that if her tears were for me that it comforted her.

I'm beyond tears. I know that I will live or I will die. Early this fall a member of that old church my friend and I attended died after losing her battle with cancer that came back. I see ten-year survivors and then I see J. Maybe I reminded L. about J. Maybe that is why L. was crying. I know my own battle with cancer transports me back to the deaths of my mother and father. Mom got sick in November 35 years ago and died 2 months later of pancreatic cancer. Dad lived 25 years longer and died at age 89 on a November day. The sky darkens, the leaves fall, and this November I am surrounded by nurses, doctors, and phlebotomists. I feel my lack of health and remember my mother and father surrounded by the same type of people. True, their prognoses were much different from mine. I have hope, right? Still, somehow my suffering brings me in communion with theirs. I have to remind myself that they are not suffering now, that they live with God now, but it doesn't negate the memories. The death is not the hard part, it's the dying.

I love roses

2010-10-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

I love roses. They bring me hope. Rose bushes are feisty plants. I am not a great yard caretaker. One of the bushes that was planted before we moved here 30 years ago lives among the blackberries. It has been cut back to nothing and still returns with beautiful flowers. Here in Seattle if the weather has been mild it is not unusual to see roses in December. One of my favorite saints, St. Therese of Lisieux, said that she would "let fall a shower of roses" spending her heaven doing good on earth. There is something about a rose that reminds me of God's promises and his love. When I am down I go for a walk and see a rose and remember.

2010-10-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

It's reading recommendation time again. My lack of energy has led to lots of time for reading books both on my Kindle 3G Wireless Reading Device, Free 3G + Wi-Fi, 6 (okay so mine's a Kindle 2) and at the library. I like reading both non-fiction and fiction.

Non-fiction:

A great book that casts some doubt on current gender studies:

Joy is not found in money, possessions, and high-powered careers.

Fiction:

Read if you need to survive a science fiction universe. It's fiction, honest.

Told from the point of view of a boy reared entirely in one room for the first 5 years of life.

Spenser novels by Robert Parker. I consume these like potato chips which I would eat if my stomach would let me.
You can't go wrong with Precious Raomtswe of the Number One Ladies Detective Agency. Take your mind off of your cares with a trip to Botswana.

Sit back, have a cup of coffee or tea and enjoy.

Beyond Words

2010-10-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I felt well enough to go to mass. I usually go to the 11:30 am Sunday mass because I like to sleep later than the morning-people parishioners. It's usually a pretty quiet mass since the families with children for the most part attend the 5pm Saturday or 9am Sunday contemporary music masses. We have the organ and the traditional choir. This time the 11:30 was full of life. We had four baptisms, four new infants brought into the faith. We had a lot of kids counting the friends and families of the newly baptized making our normally sedate mass exciting.

Baptism is new birth in Christ. I don't remember my own baptism. My parents brought six week-old me to the font and I was reborn, marked with the cross of Christ. When we have baptisms at Holy Rosary I feel reborn. When the sponsors and parents make the baptismal vows for the babies we the assembly renew our own baptismal vows. We are sprinkled with the same Holy Water in which the babies were baptized. What a new beginning to the week!

Hazzard's back home

2010-09-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

Hazzard is home. Mr. Dermody picked him up from the vet's yesterday evening. The lab work doesn't look good but for now, Hazzard does. I'm enjoying his company. He's eating and drinking and even popped outside for five minutes. It's a little chilly so I don't blame him for coming back in. He likes warm sunny days, so do I.

It's one day post chemo for me and it's not too bad. I'm fatigued but that gives me a great excuse to sit on the couch with Hazzard and Lady. They are all about relaxing.

I don't want to say good-bye to an old friend

2010-09-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

Hazzard the cat

Here I am another two days before chemo. Life doesn't stop just because you have cancer. My sixteen year-old cat Hazzard is fighting kidney problems. I've talked about him before. He had one eye removed in January and has been doing pretty well for an elderly kitty since then. Just this last week he started failing so we dropped him off yesterday at the vet's for IV fluids. We are hoping to get him out of this crisis but we are also realistic. We'll find out tomorrow or Thursday what the verdict is. If it's Thursday, my husband will need to pick him up because I might not be feeling well enough.

I got to visit Hazzard at the clinic today. He loved being pet and being around me. I wanted him to know that we had not abandoned him. I also told him that I knew all about IV's. Whatever happens to him I want him be comfortable, the same thing I would want in his dilemma. You've heard about living in the moment? I was living in the moment but I was also living in Hazzard's kittenhood. We had to keep him separated from our adult cat Stormy who had Feline Leukemia Virus until Hazzard was fully immunized. He had to stay in a room in the basement with visits from us. Hazzard was so smart that he figured out how to escape via the ductwork. Take that Dermodys! As you can tell from his advanced age Hazzard never became infected. We have three younger cats from age 4-10. Hazzard has put up with them all as kittens with grace and aplomb. I know that he's led a rich and full kitty-life but it won't be any easier to say good-bye to him whether he dies this time or his during next health crisis. I love you Mr. Hazzafrazz.

The privilege of going to church

2010-09-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

I'm able to make it to church every other week now. Right after chemo, I'm too nauseated and fatigued. It makes me appreciate going to mass more than ever. I miss weekly Eucharist and I miss my church friends.

Yesterday was my day to go to mass. I arrived in my pink scarf, a sign, a person with cancer who made it out of the house. I saw many people I haven't seen in months. One of our number, a woman in her eighties had injured herself in a fall and had a long rehabilitation. It was so good to see her. I had been afraid that for her this would be the fall that disabled her for life. Thank God it wasn't. Another woman had also been out for months with health problems. She was back. There were a couple of women behind me in the pew that I didn't recognize so I introduced myself. They were an adult daughter from Seattle and her mother from out of state. The mother noticed me as one of the afflicted and asked how I was doing. It turns out that she had fought a similar battle against breast cancer ten years ago and she is now fine. She asked me to repeat my name and told me that she would pray for me and that she really meant it. We talked about how important it is for us to have people praying for us. She said that she could feel the prayers of those who had prayed for her. I can't feel prayers but my heart knows that friends, family, and even strangers are praying for me giving me courage and hope.

The mass proceeds from Liturgy of the Word to Liturgy of the Eucharist. We pray the Eucharistic Prayer and we sing the communion procession song of the day. I walk forward realizing how privileged I am to receive Jesus. I eat the bread and drink the wine that are His Very Self. I go back to my pew and reflect on how Jesus is coursing through my body and that everyone in that communion procession is receiving Jesus as well. We are truly the Body of Christ and we are meant to be transformed.

How does Christ being infused in me transform me? What does it mean for my life? As a person with cancer it means that my cancer is not just about me. It is about my friends, family, co-workers, fellow parishioners, doctors, nurses, technicians, receptionists, and phlebotomists. All are affected by my diagnosis and all need love. I know that I can't take care of everyone's feelings; that's not my job. I need to be a calm presence when I can and receive the love and care of others when I can't, when I need someone to be a calm presence. I need to be transformed by Christ.

Hair

2010-08-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

My hair falls

Like pine needles on a dry Christmas tree.

My breast doesn't hurt anymore

2010-08-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

My breast doesn't hurt anymore. I don't know when it stopped but I can be hugged and I can reach high above my head. It's amazing. I think I expected the pain to last for months if not forever. Even the incision arount the port is healed. There's a little tenderness when I lie on it but not much. After round #1 of chemo I was really sick but I feel pretty good now. I have my next chemo in two days; it's time to get sick again. I can do it, especially after I've found that I'm not nauseous and fatigued all the time. I'll have a few days of awfullness and then I will begin to rise again. I was talking to God just after my last chemo and told him that I didn't think I could do this chemo thing if I was going to be sicker than a dog all the time. You see, I thought that was going to last forever too.

I think the most difficult part this whole thing is keeping hope alive when I am at my sickest. I need to know that the Promised Land comes after the Desert. It helps to know that God understands my despair. The Psalms are so helpful in expressing pain. One that has helped me is Psalm 55. It starts, "Listen God to my prayer; do not hide from my pleading, hear me and give answer. I rock with grief..." (Psalm 55:2-3a, NAB). The Word of God does not sugarcoat pain. Life is good now but it's back to the Desert in two days.

I've got a couple more book recommendations. The first is In the Company of Cheerful Ladies by Alexander McCall Smith, another installment of the #1 Ladies Detective Agency. Mma. Ramotswe's no-good ex-husband shows up and tries to blackmail her. He doesn't know whom he is dealing with.

The second is Juliet, Naked, by Nick Hornby. Annie's significant other Duncan is obsessed with Tucker Crowe, a 1980's musician who abruptly ends his career after a trip to a bathroom bar. Duncan oversees a fan website dedicated to Mr. Crowe who hasn't been heard from in over twenty years. Annie posts on the website, Tucker e-mails her, and the fun ensues.

If I have to be on medical leave, I might as well have fun.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2010-08-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

It's so much easier to feel positive when I feel good like I do today. Lady and I were able to walk along part of the Longfellow Creek Legacy Trail. Getting there and back involves going downhill and uphill. It's a much better workout than walking on the flat and today was the first day after chemo round #1 that I have felt well enough to try it. We walked past the beaver pond and there were scores of mallard ducks. We waited at the ponds edge and watched them. They streamed over to see if we had any food. We started walking off and the ducks gave up on us. It's a good thing too. We didn't have anything for them. The trail is so beautiful this time of year. The deciduous trees still have all their leaves and form a canopy overhead.

After the walk I dropped Lady off at home and drove to the clinic for my last Nuepogen injection this cycle. It's just a little subcutaneous poke. The whole visit takes about 10 minutes from check-in to needle stick. Now I'm at Starbucks playing with my computer. I haven't been able to stomach coffee since my chemo treatment but I can do plain black tea. Ohhh, that and a pumpkin scone, mmmm.

Good read

2010-08-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

I had my first round of chemo last Thursday. By Friday I was sicker than a dog. Speaking of dogs I just read Dog on It: A Chet and Bernie Mystery (Chet and Bernie Mysteries) by Spencer Quinn. It's a great read when I'm miserable and a great read when I'm not like today when I'm feeling better. It's told from Chet the dog's point of view. Sometimes when telling the tale he goes off on little tangents like wondering why Bernie isn't redeeming those 2 for 1 rib coupons but Chet keeps on the case.

It's a beautiful sunny day

2010-08-10T12:32:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful sunny day and I'm happy. I saw my surgeon for my last check-back and everything was healing nicely. My margins are clear and I've known that for a while. It was just so nice to leave that office on an upbeat note. Dr. W reminded me that I know where he is if I should need him again. We both hope that I won't be needing his services any time soon.

I'm getting prepared for chemo which starts on Thursday. I've been told by others who have walked this road to get lots of water, juices, and such. Both my fellow survivors and my dental hygienist recommend Biotene products. One of the side effects of chemo is dry mouth and sometimes mouth sores. I've stocked up on all of the above at Safeway. I'm shopping while I can. I've got my strength back and you know what that means; I'm about to get knocked down again. Such is the nature of fighting this disease. I know that some take issue with calling this a fight and I used to be one of them. After what I have been through and what I am about to go through I realize that it is a full scale battle. It's me or the cancer cells even though they came from my body. Still, I'm upbeat. It's a beautiful day and I feel wonderful. I am going to bask in the joy of now.

Living my life

2010-08-07T14:47:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the next few months as something to get through rather than to be lived. I've been wrong. I was reading The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life last night. James Martin's father is dying and Father Martin isn't sure that he can walk the path of his father's suffering. A friend, Sister Janice asks him, "Can you surrender to the future that God has in store for you?" He concludes that (obedience) "is stepping onto the path of daily life and continuing on it".

I have a long road ahead of me. I know that in these next few months there will be some really tough times but I also know that there will be times to treasure in my heart. Each day of my life is a gift from God. Each breath that I take is because God sustains me. I have to surrender to what God has in store for me. In surrendering there is trust. I trust that he will be with the whole way. I'll know more what chemotherapy is like after it starts. I think that part of my fears are the fears of the unknown and that's where I have to step out in faith with God.

Moments of Grace

2010-08-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

The third time was the charm. My margins are clear--no more surgery! I'm really happy about that. I'll be starting chemotherapy next week. The sooner I start it the sooner it will be over.

I'm reading a book called The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life by James Martin, S.J. It talks about looking through your day and finding the times that God was present. You can find Him in very ordinary circumstances. I find Him at the clinic when I start fainting and panicking and someone from the staff rubs my arm and tells me that they will take good care of me. Their touches tell me they are there more than their words. I find Him in the touch of my husband's hand and in all the myriad ways my family works to care for me during this rocky time. One daughter cleans my house. Another ferries me to the doctor. My son calls me and visits me from miles away. My brother talks about visiting me which he hasn't done in years. My brother-in-law calls to see how I am doing. My sister-in-law waits for me through two surgeries as does my mother-in-law. My church supports me and prays for me and friends and family pray for me as well. I am truly blessed and amazed. I don't have to look far for the hand of God.

Full speed ahead to Grouchville

2010-07-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

Wednesday I had an appointment with my surgeon. I didn't think I needed to take anyone with me because I was sure there would be good news. Wrong! The path report from my second surgery came in and they found a new spot, ductal carcinoma in situ. It was not good news. Oh well, at least the third surgery is done. They had a cancellation on Friday and fit me in. I'm recovering faster this time and Lady and I walked to the library today with no problems.

Thursday I had my appointment with both the oncologist and the radiation oncologist. My husband was by my side for both appointments. I am at stage IIb I found. The oncologist wants to start me on chemo as soon as my breast heals. I hope my new path report shows clear margins so that my breast can actually heal. He is going to treat my cancer aggressively if my body can take it. I get a heart scan next week to find out. This Wednesday they are going to install a chest port so that they don't have to poke around for veins so much in the 20 weeks of chemo. My appointment with radiation oncology was basically a get-acquainted time. The six weeks of radiation won't take place until after chemo. I was totally wiped out after those appointments. They told me all the side effects I can expect. Oh, joy!

I feel like I'm being sucked into the cancer vortex. When first diagnosed I hoped that the path to recovery would be a "bump in the road". I would have my mastectomy or lumpectomy and my radiation and I would get on with my life post haste. I couldn't have a nice little tame tumor. I had to have one that spread to the lymph nodes. I haven't gotten clear margins (cancer free tissue) on my path sample yet. I hate surgery. It hurts. I like my hair. I like my health. I don't want to go to the doctor all the time. Grump!

One of my daughters suggested a book for me. I bought it immediately for my Kindle.

It's called

Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America by Barbara Ehrenreich. I love the first chapter, "Smile or Die: The Bright Side of Cancer". Everyone tells us that we have to remain positive in order to fight our cancer. Ms. Ehrenreich writes that cancer is not positive. It has not been proven that a positive attitude leads to better outcomes. Grouchville here I come!

Reading for distraction

2010-07-21T13:13:00.000-07:00

I'm getting stronger. Lady and I were able to walk to the library downhill and back from it uphill. The Seattle weather is beautiful today, blue skies and warm temperatures.
I've been reading as many books as I did when I worked in a bookstore. They help distract me from heavy moods. Right now I am reading The Full Cupboard of Life.

It's the fifth in the Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency series. It's a great escape to Botswana to follow the adventures of the "traditionally built" lady detective Mma. Precious Ramotswe.
I am also reading a more serious book of short stories called Say You're One of Them
by a Nigerian Jesuit priest, Uwem Akpan.

The stories are written from children's points of view to some pretty horrible but real situations. Jesuits try to "find God in all things". I have to strain very hard to see the hand of God in these stories but it is there. I can only absorb one story at a time and then need to go back to The Full Cupboard of Life.
If there's one thing to be said about breast cancer, it gives you time for reading. Thank goodness for libraries, bookstores, and Amazon.

Two days post-surgery

2010-07-17T17:32:00.000-07:00

I'm two days post-surgery and I just took off the dressing and took a shower. That was a lot of work. Now I'm resting on the couch. I'm more tired this Saturday than I was after last week's surgery. Evidently twice isn't the charm. I have been taking little walks to the mail box and up to the neighbors with Lady.
My medical center will soon be my home away from home. I have an appointment with my surgeon on Wednesday as a follow up. Thursday morning I have my first visit with my oncologist and Thursday afternoon I see the radiation oncology people for a consult. I'm bringing my daughter with me as an extra pair of ears per their suggestion.
I am not used to this. I've often worried about my health thinking that this sign or that sign is cancer. The tests come back and I'm fine. This time I am most definitely not fine.

More surgery tomorrow

2010-07-14T19:54:00.001-07:00

My margins weren't totally clear so they need to remove some more breast tissue tomorrow. I was supposed to have my checkback appointment today but I got a call this morning while I was walking with Lady. The nurse called and said that I needed more surgery. Okay, that's bad news but then she said it had to be tomorrow. There just happened to be an opening in the schedule and they want to get this done sooner rather than later so that I can get my radiation and chemo started. But tomorrow! I just was able to walk two miles on the flat today. I'm taking only Aleve for pain but I'll have to go back on the Vicodin after the surgery. I feel like I'm on a board game, I just rolled the dice, and they sent me back 10 spaces.
The path report is back obviously and three lymph nodes have evidence of cancer so it's spread past the breast meaning lucky me gets chemo. One good thing about the tumor, they said it was slow growing so at least that's good news.
Now I know why my dog pulls the other way when we get to the vet's office. Still, I want to fight this cancer and I know that God is sustaining me in all of this. I can feel his presence. He is definitely giving me strength among the tears.

Nice things about my surgical adventure

2010-07-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

I've been recovering for a few days and I realize there are some nice things about my surgery day.

They have warm blankets that come from a blanket warmer.
They had a device in pre-op that blew warm air into my paper gown. The nurse said that in a hospital, "If you're not cold now, you will be."
I got slipper socks.
The breast center nurse stayed by my side and rubbed my arm to comfort me when I was going through a painful pre-op procedure. When I almost fainted after the mammogram she stayed with me until I got to nuclear medicine.
In Nuclear Medicine the tech said, "Hi, I'm Neal and I'll be doing your scanning." I felt like teasing him suggesting, "Hi, I'm Neal. I'll be your waiter," but I let the moment pass.
I need my glasses for seeing so the nurse anesthetist made sure that I had them in the OR before they knocked me out and available in the recovery room when I woke up.
The operating table was warm and I got more warm blankets.
My husband, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, and my daughter were brought into my room when I got settled. They had been waiting all day long and it was so good to see their faces.
The nurse not only brought me juice but she warmed up my muffin. Now that's service!
I got to go home.

Surgery is over

2010-07-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

Thursday, July 8th was a long day. I had to check-in at 7 am for my lumpectomy which was scheduled for noon. The early check-in was due to some things that had to be done beforehand. First I had to go to the breast radiology people so that they could do two things. The first was to insert a wire into my breast to guide the surgeon to the tumor (how glad I am that I didn't realize they needed to do that earlier; I would have obsessed about it). The second was to inject nuclear material in my breast to map the sentinel nodes. I may not have known how many pain receptors there were in a breast but I sure found out quickly. The radiologist injected some Lidocaine beforehand but it wasn't enough. At least at the dentist I get nitrous oxide so that if I hurt, I don't care. The medical team was very supportive emotionally but I wish the procedure didn't hurt so darn much! Then I found out that they would need to do a mammogram (sandwich my breast between two panes of plastic and snap an x-ray) of my already painful breast. I had a grumpy mammographer who was made even grumpier by the fact that she would have to position me awkwardly for the picture. We got it done and she was going to do another view when I said I needed to sit down. Things started going black on me. They brought in a nurse and my husband. Thank goodness the one picture was so clear that they didn't need another. They gave me oxygen and sent me down to nuclear medicine on a gurney instead of a wheelchair.

Nuclear medicine didn't hurt at all. I just had to stay still for five minutes at a time while they scanned the nuclear material in my breast for the node mapping. Then it was back up to pre-op where my husband and I would wait for the anesthesiologist, the anesthetist, and the surgeon to talk to us.

The surgery itself was the easy part. I got onto this warm table with warm blankets, got strapped in, listened to the staff joking around, and the next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. My breast hurt and I was sleepy. They gave me drugs for the pain. They understood about breast nerve endings. After recovery I was re-united with my loving family while I rested up and ate a blueberry muffin and did all the other stuff one needs to do to get released from the hospital.

My daughter came home with us and made the family phone calls. Both Mr. D and I were too stressed to want to talk to anybody. It had been a long day!

2010-07-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

July 8th is frightfully close. I call tomorrow to see what time I'm scheduled for. Why don't we just call this cancer thing off? I'll have vacation time on my books after July 16th; maybe instead of surgery I could fly out of the country and sit in an Irish pub drinking Jamison's or Guinness or Harp. That really sounds like a much better idea than having my tumor and some lymph nodes removed.

I can't run away from my cancer. I'm an adult. Adults don't put up a fuss when poked and prodded and stitched. Adults say, "I will do anything I need to do to fight this cancer." We understand why the procedures are being done unlike cats, dogs, or kids. When my cats have had surgeries they have no idea why they can't eat after midnight the day before the surgery. "Mom, you're up and we're hungry." This Thursday morning I'll have to watch everyone else eat.

Now that I'm finished complaining I want to talk about the spiritual side of all this. On Sunday I was a lector and proclaimed about Jerusalem, "Oh that you may suck fully of the milk of her comfort, that you may nurse with delight at her abundant breasts."(Isaiah 66:11 NAB). Does that seem ironic to anyone but me? I told Father Dunstan that I would be having surgery this Thursday and he laid his hands on me and prayed for me. Then it seemed like his homily was meant for me. In the Gospel, the sending of the 72 (Luke 10:1-12, 17-20), Jesus tells his disciples to eat what is put in front of them when staying at a house. Father Dunstan said we who give care need to be ready to receive care as well. We are not to refuse the food (love) they put before us. I don't think it's possible to survive cancer without accepting love.

I am spending my pre-surgery days getting housework done. Some times are filled with fear and others are filled with a quiet acceptance of whatever God wants to throw at me. I know that God and my friends and family are with me every step of the way.

Cancer, Cancer, Cancer

2010-06-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

There, I've said the word. I have breast cancer. I had a routine mammogram. I got the dreaded call back but I wasn't too worried because that has happened to me before. Last year they took extra films and an ultrasound and that was that. This time I had the extra films, the ultrasound, and then a biopsy. I have infiltrating mammary carcinoma. I've met with the surgeon and his team of nurses. I'm scheduled for surgery July 8th. I have mixed feelings. I want the time to go fast so that I get the surgery over and done with and so that my cancer can be staged. I also want the time to go slowly because each day marches me closer to surgical pain and the hassles of treatment. Right now, I don't feel too bad. It's the treatment that's going to make me feel bad. If I sound like a whiner, I am. I freely admit it.
When I hit 50 I came to the realization that I really would die some time in the future. I don't know or how or when I will die but everyone leaves this world in a box. I have more time behind me than ahead of me. When I found out I had breast cancer I couldn't ask, "Why me?" I knew it might as well be me as someone else. People get sick. They die. It's the way of the world. Besides, there has to be room in the world for all the new people. I'm not dead yet and may not be for a long time but cancer gives me pause for contemplation.

Sick at Work

2010-05-17T15:24:00.000-07:00

Some of our workers need to go to work when they are sick because they cannot afford to lose a day's pay.

notes from the checkout

2010-05-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

On my last shift the weather outside was wonderful. As our local newspaper said, the thermometer finally caught up with the season. I frequently work in the afternoons so I can walk Lady in the morning and catch some sun. My customers tell me how sorry they feel for me to be stuck inside on a beautiful day. I tell them that it's much better to be employed and inside instead of unemployed and outside. Trust me, people, we know the weather outside; we have windows.
Our union is in the midst of negotiations with the big grocery chains. The independents will settle for whatever the chains and the union agree upon. It's a disconcerting time. We have extended the contract to June but right now both sides are pretty far away on the issues. It would be nice to get some of the extra things that we are asking for but I just hope we don't lose anything. Some of our members do not get paid until the third day they are sick. lWhere I work we can get sick pay the first day with a doctor's note. Management wants to increase our deductible and make it so that new hires have to wait 24 months to get their families insured. We need fair health care for all of our employees.

Lent

2010-02-18T20:38:00.000-08:00

I always seem to begin Lent reluctantly but yesterday was Ash Wednesday and here I am. I went to mass at 7am yesterday morning. Father John traced an ash cross on my forehead and I received Eucharist. I didn't have to start work until almost 10am so I spent some time at Hotwire Coffee eating breakfast and wasting time. All through the day I would see customers who had ashes on their foreheads and hear from others who said that they would be going to mass or church later in the day. One woman told me I had a smudge on my forehead and I explained Ash Wednesday. She knew about Fat Tuesday but didn't know what Ash Wednesday was for. I explained that Fat Tuesday was the prelude to Ash Wednesday, a feast before the fast. I'm glad I went to mass early yesterday. It meant that I wore my ashes all day and for a brief time I was a sign.
Now I am on day 2 of Lent. I've given up alcohol for the duration and I signed up for the Days of Deepening Friendship retreat. It's a good way to keep praying and to spend special time in prayer and meditation during this special season. I don't like the fasting part of Lent but I do like the praying. May this Lent bring you closer to God.

notes from the checkout: The I hate coupons rant

2010-01-10T11:29:00.001-08:00

I have advice for all consumers. Get a magnifying glass and read the stupid fine print. Of course the manufacturer or the store puts FREE in giant letters but it puts the requirements for redemption in teeny tiny fine print. Some say you must spend $50 or some other fixed amount in the store before becoming eligible and didn't you know that that $50 can't be liquor, cigarettes, or heaven forbid, fluid milk? The sale price is in large letters but in fine print it says must buy four for the sale price, all people with no storage space must pay regular price. The consumer knows none of until they come to the cash register. When the coupon doesn't work who gets grumped at? Why it's me, the cashier. I suppose it's somewhat justified since I wear the logo of my company on my apron. After all, I'm the most convenient. As a consumer myself I hate clipping coupons because I often forget to use them or they are on something I never use. I feel your pain.

A holy moment with a cat

2010-01-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

I took our cat Hazzard to the vet today. He is 15 years-old and has been due for his rabies shot since he likes to go outside and sit in the sun from time to time. He also had his fully dilated swollen eye looked at. I usually don't take him to the vet because we have a deal. He doesn't pee in my car or run away from home and I don't take him to the vet.

The doctor was running late so while we were waiting we sat on the exam-room floor. I wanted to be as nervous as Hazzard but that would only upset him more. I've found that the way to have a calm pet is to be calm myself. I knew that he was blind in his eye so that it must be something bad. So, there we were on the floor and I prayed my centering prayer word, Jesus, over and over again. While Hazzard and I waited we sat with God together, breathing slowly.

Hazzard has to have his eye removed. He either has glaucoma or cancer. The surgery is scheduled next week. He is already avoiding me. I'm not letting him outside until he feels safe with me again. Next week I will be in real trouble with him. He's really mad at my but I know that I did the right thing. Doing nothing was not an option. I just wish that he knew that.

notes from the checkout

2009-12-09T20:50:00.001-08:00

It's really cold out here in Seattle. The temperature was somewhere in the teens this morning. There is possible snow in the forecast for Friday. Here in the Emerald City that means it's time to buy groceries. We never know whether a snow forecast will mean no snow, a dusting, or a foot of snow. We get laughed at for our snow driving but it doesn't snow here often and we have very steep hilly streets to slide on. The city doesn't invest a lot of money in snow removal either. A lot of us just park our cars outside our houses and wait for the snow to melt before we venture out. I even picked up a few things after work just in case.

Notes from the checkout ( aka raves from the checkout)

2009-11-22T14:01:00.000-08:00

'Twas the weekend before Thanksgiving and hordes of shoppers descended upon the grocery store. I worked as fast as I could typing in codes, scanning items, bagging groceries, and handling money, all while fighting back pain--when whom to my wondering eyes did appear, an auditor with no case of beer. She had me ring up a basket of groceries and when it was time to pay she told me, "I'm an auditor, just void the items and put them back." She had also hidden some items that I didn't catch in a spot I'd never think to look and had never been told to look. I'm not telling what because I don't want to give anyone any ideas. Growl, way to ruin my already stressful day! Fortunately after that it was lunch time and I ran into the boss. He said not to worry about it; it wasn't on her report. Hmmm, maybe she was messing with my mind.

I had several nice customers and then came a lady with her school-age daughter. The daughter was unloading the shopping cart and I told her she didn't have to unload the giant box of heavy logs. I could get the code. The lady snapped, "I'll handle my daughter." I replied that I had just spoken to her daughter the same way I would speak to any adult. I don't want them to hurt their back or mine. Growl! I was in trouble for treating a child like a human being.
It's going to be a long holiday season. Thanks to Clement C. Moore, I think. There's a controversy over who wrote the lines I borrowed from Night Before Christmas.

Retreat time

2009-11-09T16:59:00.000-08:00

It is time for my yearly three-day retreat close to the anniversary of my father's death. It is a time to mourn and remember, a time to pray and to write. The sky darkens early and the light from the sun is muted. Here in Seattle the rainy season arrives. I went to church today and sat before the crucifix where God has answered my impossible cause prayers many times. He has brought me healing in both mind and relationships, impossible causes. Now I remember my father and pray about my current intentions. They seem hopeless to me but God has helped me time and time again. I'm not going to go in detail here because I don't want the family I am worried about to be easily identifiable. Suffice it to say that there is a young family in deep trouble and I cannot by my love carry them out of danger. I wish that love would be enough but I can change no one. I can't believe for anyone else. I can't seek mental health help for anyone else. I cannot take the father of this family and rock him and make it all better like I could when he was a baby and I watched him while his parents were at work. He is an adult now with adult choices. He has to live with the consequences of his own behavior. But then...there is the cross and the one who hears my prayer.

October Day in Paradise

2009-10-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a sunbeam
on a sofa
sipping tea.
Kitty on my lap,
purring.

Contemplating seasons

2009-10-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

Each day as I walk with Lady the tree colors are different. There is more orange and red intermingled with the green. The days grow colder and the last hot days of summer have come and gone. I hear a lot of complaints about it from my customers but there are others who like the cool crisp days of fall. There are the smells of hot apple cider and pumpkin pie or the newer scent of pumpkin spice lattes. There is something to be said about the rhythm of seasons. They give me a sense of the continuity of life. Leaves turn red then fall. Barren leaves of winter give way to the buds of spring. The lush foliage of summer changes back to red and the cycle begins again.

A Freethinking Dog

2009-09-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

I just finished Merle's Door: Lessons from a Freethinking Dog. I love dog stories. This past year I've read The Story of Edgar Sawtelle: A Novel (P.S.) and
The Art of Racing in the Rain: A Novel.
Merle's Door is about a dog and a man who find each other on a camping trip and their life together. Ted Kerasote, the author, portrays Merle as a thinking, feeling creature. When Mr. Kerasote installs a dog door he gives Merle freedom. They live in an area where dogs are not leashed or fenced. Merle makes the rounds of the small town every day and becomes known as the "mayor" who must meet and greet all his constituents. I thoroughly enjoyed Merle's Door and was sad when it ended as our own dog stories do with aging and death.

notes from the checkout

2009-09-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

Last week a brand new grocery store in a brand new building opened across the street from us. It's beautiful, glitzy, and on staple items pricey. Our store was relatively quiet last week since everyone was across the street. I think the assistant manager did a good job scheduling us. It wasn't crazy busy but it wasn't totally dead either. Some of the customers who came into our store had been across the street told us that we don't have a lot to worry about. Sure, their sales are good but the things people buy every day are more expensive. We'll see what happens after all the excitement dies down. Our boss told us to give the best customer service possible (which we should be doing anyway) to keep our customer base coming back to us.

How Can I Keep From Singing?

2009-09-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

I've given up on my women's spirituality group. I haven't liked any of the book selections so far. Yes, I know I'm picky, but long ago as a bookseller I decided that with the limited time I have in this life I want to read books I like. I confess, I am a book snob. Hmmm, the church choir practices on the same night that the spirituality group meets. I love singing and I've really missed singing with the choir after being out for a year.
Today was our choir's first day back after summer vacation. It feels so good to be back singing with my friends and getting my voice into shape again. Singing is like flying, it makes my heart soar. There is the discipline of practice but the joy makes it well worth the work.

Notes from the Checkout

2009-09-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

I worked from afternoon through evening yesterday. It seemed like every small child was crying. I mentioned to one of my customers that I hadn't heard as many kid meltdowns on the same day for a long time. She reminded me that it was the first day of school for Seattle Public Schools. Even if the small child was not going to school, if their siblings were there was a change in routine. They had to go to bed earlier the night before and get up earlier yesterday morning. I remembered being unable to sleep before the first day of school back in the day. Ah, there was an explanation for the behavior and also why we were so busy in the evening. When it was punch out time I was glad to go home for a little peace and quiet.

Multitasking

2009-09-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

There are some things that one can do at the same time like making a peanut butter sandwich and checking out the internet. One shouldn't try to preheat a pan for frying eggs while on the internet. I remembered before there was a disaster but the pan was too hot and I had to cool it down before I could pop the eggs in it. Lesson learned until the next time.

Outrage in the USA

2009-09-06T16:11:00.000-07:00

Why is it that whenever something simple like President Obama's address to school children is announced those of the opposite political bent become outraged? Since when would it be outrageous for the President of the United States to tell it's children, "Stay in school"? Do they think that the kids' eyes are going to be held open ala A Clockwork Orange?

Honestly people, I don't think President Obama is going to turn your child into a "gasp" Democrat with just one speech. There's politics and then there is history. I remember watching President Lyndon Johnson's inauguration speech at school in fifth grade and I don't remember a word of it. How many of the kids that President George W. Bush read to turned into Republicans? Aren't there times when the president is just the president instead of a product of the political machine?

2009-09-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

I have neglected my blog for too long. I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I finally broke down and bought a

It came down far enough in price to make it worth it to me. I love it! Most books are $9.99, some are a more expensive, but some books that are in the public domain are free or of nominal cost. I've been rediscovering classics. They are so much more fun when you don't have to read them. Classics usually take me longer than the three-week period our library allows so I'm better off buying them. I've re-read A Tale of Two Cities: 150th Anniversary (Signet Classics)
They wouldn't let me link to the Kindle edition but it was less than a dollar. Right now I'm reading Treasure Island (Signet Classics) which I got for free on Kindle. It's so easy to order books that I have tried to limit myself to buying books that cost $9.99 or more to one on payday. I loved The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society (Random House Reader's Circle) and
Shanghai Girls: A Novel by Lisa See. I don't think I've read so much since I worked at a bookstore. I have heard bad things about the Kindle cracking when using one of the covers sold on Amazon so I bought a much cheaper fabric cover made by Book Sox at Staples during their back-to-school sales. It's worked quite well. I did decide to purchase the extended warranty after reading some tales of woe on one of the Kindle blogs.
Oh, and I haven't neglected my library. I'm reading Palace Council (Vintage Contemporaries) by Stephen L. Carter. There is one drawback with library books though and that is that they are heavy. I just make sure to read them at home, when I have a long lunch at work, or when I have some extra room in my backpack.

I still miss Byron

2009-07-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

Byron at Schmitz Park

It's been two and a half years since Byron died. I've been dreaming about him. Today Mr. D and I walked through Schmitz Park, a place that Byron and I spent a lot of time together. I take Lady other places so the memories of Byron in those settings have resolved. At Schmitz Park today it felt almost like Byron's spirit was there. Yesterday I looked at terriers on the Humane Society's website. It's tempting, but with our four cats and Lady we already have a full house. Besides there won't be another Byron even if we named another dog that. It's Byron that I miss, not his mixed breed. He was the one who would kiss my face and bring me back to reality when I was in psychic pain. I miss my old friend even though I have new ones. I love you, Byron.

Notes from the checkout

2009-06-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

Today was very busy with everyone getting ready for Father's Day and other celebrations. A couple of women walked in the store. One asked to use the phone and then they started yelling at each other. Lady 1 was accusing Lady 2 of stealing a cell phone from Lady 1's daughter. Lady 2 said she didn't even know Lady 1's daughter. I called "Security to the front end!" They kept yelling at each other and took it outside. No one was hurt. Just another day at the grocery store.

Reading the Shack

2009-06-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

Our women's spirituality group is reading a new book, The Shack by William Paul Young. It's about a man who spends three days struggling with God in the shack where his young daughter was murdered. I wouldn't recommend it as great literature. It is self-published and shows the inexperience of the writer. It's not great theology either. On the other hand the issue of how God can allow suffering to exist and still love us is timeless. Look at Job who lost everything and struggled with the same problem. I enjoyed our discussion last night. It was fruitful and made The Shack worth reading.

Good book for hard times

2009-06-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

I just finished a really satisfying book

The Well and the Mine by Gin Phillips. It's set in Alabama during the Great Depression. One night Tess sees a woman drop a baby in her family's well. No one believes her until a blanket comes up from the well the next day. Tess's father Albert works is a coal miner who owns his own land. Ms. Phillips captures both the time and the characters beautifully.

notes from the checkout

2009-05-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

Remember how my last note talked about me being nice. Well, yesterday I didn't feel so nice at the checkstand. One of the customers didn't understand that a coupon that says limit one purchase of two doesn't mean that you can use multiple coupons for the same deal. Another didn't understand why her phone number wasn't immediately in the database when she had just gotten our loyalty card on her last trip. I felt like growling but took a deep breath between customers. It was not an ideal shift. I bought some chocolate soy milk (oh the joys of lactose intolerance) and had a big hot mug of it at home. This was after coming home to no parking place in front of my house and venting to Mr. D. All was well after a few games of Tetris, the hot chocolate, and a good night's sleep.

Notes from the checkout

2009-05-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a customer felt sorry for me because I have to be nice. If I didn't like working with the public I wouldn't be in retail. I enjoy my job except when I get grouches for customers or if I'm having a bad day. Other than that I get to play store and get paid for it. I work near where I live and everyone sooner or later needs to buy groceries. I see people from the neighborhood that I haven't seen for years and get to re-awaken old friendships and ties. Being nice to people isn't so bad. For the most part they're nice back.

Mrs. Steele's Song

2009-05-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago while lying in bed my mind traveled to a distant song. I couldn't remember the words or the tune. All I could remember was the phrase "somewhere inside of me". It was a song that comforted me after my mom died--remembering she still lived inside of me, in my heart. I've lost others and they also live in my heart.
Mrs. Steele's Song by Reilly and Maloney is the one I was thinking of. It's about a special relationship the song writer had with an adult woman as a child. I had a special lady in my life. Her name was Lena. She taught me how to knit and fed me cake and coffee. I still think of Lena when I knit. Was there some special adult in your life who helped make you the person you are?

2009-04-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

I've joined a gym to increase my activity level. Walking is painful so I can't rely on my favorite exercise. I saw an orthopedic doctor this morning and he said that I can do pretty much whatever my leg will let me. He suggested that I take an over the counter pain and inflammation drug before I go. Before I exercise I should stretch my leg muscles. When I come home I can ice it. I've been worried because I still hurt 7 weeks post injury. The doc said that the bone is healing right on schedule and to come back if I'm still hurting after Memorial Day. I guess the cure is what my veterinarian calls "tincture of time".

2009-04-23T16:29:00.000-07:00

Our women's spirituality group at church is now praying with Birth: A Guide for Prayer

by Jacqueline Syrup Bergan and Marie Schwan, CSJ. I felt a little behind yesterday because I hadn't read all of the first week's readings--I only got the book on Monday. It is very much a product of Ignatian Spirituality using the imagination in prayer. It's not the easiest prayer form for me. I like centering prayer, the Rosary, and just talking to God as I would a friend. I suppose it helps to have a book as the centerpiece of our faith sharing but could we slow down? I can find enough to pray about in one day's reading for a week.

I highly recommend another book that I am reading called One Minute Wisdom.

It has little one page gems of contemplation that fill a prayer period. The one for today was about miracles. A disciple of the Master says, "In your land it is regarded as a miracle if God does someone's will. In our country it is regarded as a miracle if someone does the will of God"(page 4).

I wish it were only food

2009-04-19T17:05:00.000-07:00

I'm in a bad mood today. I filled out my health questionnaire for my health plan and "there is a strong need for change" in my body mass. Not only does the TV and the newspaper tell me I'm fat but I now have confirmation by my HMO. I have dieted before and I know what it takes to be successful. I have to weigh and measure portions and count calories. I hate being compulsive! I also know that when I do lose weight I will get more wrinkly. Hmm, wrinkly or rotund? That is the question. If I have the courage to do this I know that my joints and stomach will thank me. Why can't it just be food? Why does it have to be such a battle?

Back to work

2009-04-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

I'm still using a cane for a little assistance. I find I'm able to walk better each day. When I'm at home where there are no stairs so I can get around with just my two feet. I'm back at work with just a little bit of pain.

My cane is not funny. Some of my customers disagree. One asked if I was going to hit him if he didn't let me wait on him. I told him no, I'd use the cane to hook him in. He needs a sense of humor transplant. I've had a couple of people who were glad to see me back; they thought I'd retired. Retired? Do I look that old? Who could afford to retire at 55? The way the economy is going I may be working until I'm 95, God willing that I live that long.

Only one week until Easter and I will be so happy when the penitential season is over. It's been good for reflection and as an impetus to more prayer. It just seems so long. Today is known as Passion Sunday. I was privileged to share in the reading of the Passion according to St. Mark at mass this morning. Our priest in his homily spoke of how Jesus' suffering and death was out of love for us. Jesus shares in our suffering and understands it. We walk through the wilderness of Lent and Holy Week so that we can fully understand the Mystery of Easter. I'll admit I am never an eager particpant in self-denial. I do not joyfully offer up suffering but I slog on. As Chuck Knox used to say, "You gotta play the hand you're dealt." Hmmm. Does that bring up Jesus and football analogies? Or is it poker analogies? Jesus did not joyfully choose suffering. He asked God his Father in Gethsemane if there could be any other way. There wasn't so he did what he had to do, for us.

How I Spent My Vacation

2009-03-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

It's been three weeks since I broke my leg and three weeks since I've had to work for a living. The first week was covered by sick leave and the last two are covered by vacation pay. Now, granted, I would have loved to have spent that time going to some wonderful getaway, but a quiet stay-cation at home is not so bad. So far I've knitted a scarf. Now I'm working on a blanket--I didn't know that's what I was knitting at first. I bought four more skeins of yarn at Seattle Yarn Gallery so that I can keep working on the blanket. I've watched episodes of Quantum Leap - The Complete First Season from Netflix on my computer as Sam Beckett (Scott Bakula) rights the wrongs of history.
I'm also listening to Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Fight Terrorism and Build Nations One School at a Time, an audio book that I've had on my shelf for months. It's 11 Cd's so it takes awhile and it's great to knit to. If I listen to audio books in the car I get lost in the book and forget my driving so I need home-time for such things. I've heard so much about the book from my son who has met Greg Mortenson and from many other people. I can blissfully knit on as I listen and get lost in the book without running into anything. Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin also comes in book form. I highly recommend it.
I start back to work on Thursday. It will be so good to see my customers and my co-workers. I've missed the store. There's a kind of energy at the check-out line. The customers flow through, each a different experience. I see friends from the church and the neighborhood. I see my regulars and learn their names. There is the occasional grouch but for the most part I like my job.

On the receiving end of care

2009-03-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

"Your broken leg sure is a lot of work," My husband exclaimed yesterday. I agree. He's had to be my chauffeur, my cook, my launderer, my go-fer, my dog-walker, and my dishwasher. Mr. D has kept up with his household chores and now he is doing mine. I can do some things like folding laundry, making my own tea, and my own personal care. I so wish that I could do more. It's almost more difficult to be on the receiving end of care than it is to be on the giving end. Mr. D at times has had his injuries and I've had to do more of his chores but that only means that I have insight into his frustrations.

Ah, yes, the truth comes out, I am frustrated. I like walking the dog. I like doing laundry with my cool, less than a year-old washer with space age buttons that is downstairs. I like driving where I want to go when I want to go. I like making the one-mile round trip to the library on foot. Those things I like and I hate asking for things. This sister wants to do it for herself!

Soooooooo, what is God trying to teach me this Lent? What am I learning? I have all the time in the world for prayer and reflection. My street is quiet. Mr. D is at work. I knew about the cross of pain and the cross of disability from knowing people who struggled with both but I don't think I knew the cross of dependence. I knew it intellectually but I didn't know it in my heart. I'm learning. I'm learning that pain is distracting. It's difficult to keep my full attention when my leg keeps reminding me of its injury. I'm learning to slow down because I can't go fast with my crutches and I'm learning that the important people will wait for me. I am more fully aware that I am loved, not only by God, but by my family and friends who are God's hands and feet. My faith community prays for me. Wow!

Keeping busy

2009-03-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

My new knitting supplies

It has been one tough week. Last week Saturday I was all dressed and ready to go to work. I took Lady to the mailbox and read the mail while walking home. We started going down the hill to our house when I slipped in the mud. The first words out of my mouth were not worthy of a faith and family blog. I made my way into our house, my pants covered with mud. I had twisted my ankle and in the process broke my upper fibula. My husband took me to urgent care where they took x-rays of the lower leg, taped up my ankle, and sent me home on crutches. I told the doctor that my upper leg hurt but he didn't pay much attention to that. I think he saw me as a "garden variety sprain" and looked no further. My ankle got better daily but my leg hurt like crazy. One night our cat stepped on my bone while I was in a sound sleep and I practically went through the roof. I went back to my doctor, had an x-ray taken of my upper leg, and low and behold, I had a spiral fracture of the fibula. I should be in a lot less pain in another week or so and completely healed by six weeks. I don't need a cast because my leg muscles hold my bone in place. I'll continue to hobble along on crutches and watch Netflix DVD's and on-demand.

My injury gives me a lot of time on my hands. I'm off work for a couple of weeks so I'm taking up the hobby that saved me when I was unemployed, knitting. It's one of the only things you can do while watching TV and still feel productive. It is also very relaxing. Mind you, the only thing I know how to knit is long scarves or perhaps blankets. I probably should get some knitting books like Stitch 'N Bitch: The Knitter's Handbook or Knitting Without Tears: Basic Techniques and Easy-to-Follow Directions for Garments to Fit All Sizes but I don't think I can read, watch TV, and knit at the same time.

Rose

2009-03-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

I have no words of wisdom today and no stories to tell. I thought I would post this picture.

Recession Blues

2009-03-05T15:13:00.000-08:00

Everytime I turn around I hear about people out of work or people who know people who are out of work. The New York Times has an opinion piece today to help the unemployed. It's called "Out of Work? Read a Recession Blog. Or, Better Yet, Write One" by Adam Cohen. A person might as well have something to read in between looking for jobs or comforting friends who are out of theirs. There is a lot of misery to go around. I still have my job but our hours have been cut. We are supposed to have a well-maintained store with everything in stock and fast check-out but aren't given the time it takes to keep it that way. Even though I whine I am very thankful to have a job and I know that other people at other jobs are having their hours cut as well.
The good news is that the sun peeked out a little today. Lady and I got our walk and bus ride in. Canine company is the best in trying times.

2009-02-25T15:35:00.000-08:00

Each day I have a little more energy than the day before. This cold or flu or whatever it is has really knocked me for a loop. I did feel well enough to hop on the bus with Lady to the Uptown Espresso for our morning outing. I drank my coffee and Lady kept me company. We just missed the bus home. The bus stop had no shelter and it was pouring rain. Since walking in the rain is warmer than standing in it I decided that we would walk home. I was a little worried about my stamina but we made it back on foot dripping but happy.

Today is the start of Lent, Ash Wednesday. I am going to mass tonight and will have the sign of the cross marked on my forehead in ashes. "Repent and believe in the good news." It's a good time to get closer to God. I'm participating in an online retreat called Days of Deepening Friendship, an online retreat. It's based upon a book by Vinita Hampton Wright. You don't have to own the book to participate in the retreat. Ms. Hampton Wright provides the chapters that pertain to the weeks meditation online in pdf form. I worked on the first one today and it is helping me get ready for the six-week marathon that is Lent.

Bless this mess

2009-02-19T15:57:00.000-08:00

I finally made it to my women's spirituality group last night. I felt like I was behind everyone else because I hadn't completed all the assignments in the book. My cold has left me with little energy and some days I've been lucky just to collapse at the end of the day and thank God for my blessings and ask for his help for those I love. I'm too tired for words so we're just there, God and me. Anyway, many of the women had done all the reading and journaling and had some profound insights. It inspired me to take the book we are using, The Cup of Our Life by Joyce Rupp, and begin anew with the second week's exercises today.
Today's topic was the clutter in our lives that keeps us from filling our soul-space with God. I had trouble with that at first because I live a cluttered life. I've been trying to change for years but my OCD stands in the way. I've learned to live with it, occasionally throwing stuff out or shoving it to the side. So the exercise is this, "Sit quietly. Go within. Look around inside. See what clutters your life with God." That's what I did. I went inside myself and God just picked up the stack of magazines and newspapers on the couch of my mind and shoved them to the side. Then he sat next to me. God meets me where I am and works with me so that I can become what he wants me to be. He looks beyond the clutter and he sees me.

notes from the checkout

2009-02-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I started my shift at seven in the morning in the express line. We were very busy selling cards, flowers, and chocolate and, oh yeah, groceries. One of my customers noted about another, "That guy's brave. He's only buying one flower." Who knows, maybe his beloved was swept off her feet. One man was angry that the wife wanted cut flowers instead of a plant which would last. I'm glad she wasn't there to listen. Is showing that you care for someone such a burden?
I love flowers but I wouldn't want my husband to buy them because he has to but because he wants to. I wasn't feeling well last night so I asked my husband to make Top Ramen for me because that was what I craved. We watched a DVD together with my feet up on the couch. That, to me is love more beautiful than a dozen roses.

Having a pity party

2009-02-11T16:01:00.000-08:00

I have what my childhood doctor would call "the miseries". My nose is stuffy, my chest is tight, and I'm tired. I'm not used to being sick so I'm sorry that I'm so whiney. I love to walk a mile or two with my dog but we sure aren't getting that far these last few days. I'm lucky to get dressed and out of the house. Since I have a dog I have to. Sniff!
Now that that's out of the way--
I'm starting to go to a women's spirituality group at my church. I hope I can make it tonight and keep from sneezing on people or shaking their hands. We are reading The Cup of Life by Joyce Rupp I'm hoping that it will help me to get back into the regular practice of prayer. It's been really difficult to put aside that time each day. My relationship with God needs to be nourished just like my relationship with my friends and family. Why is it that those I love most get the farthest down on my to-do list? Sigh. Each day starts anew and each day is the day for renewal. It's time to begin again and instead of talking about praying and loving it's time to pray and to love.

Life is drama

2009-02-06T10:09:00.000-08:00

There is a lot of drama in life. There are times that I feel like I need to keep putting out fires if only I could. You see, I can't control peoples lives and that is frustrating when I see people hurting. If only I could help everyone get a job who needs one, heal the sick, and heal broken relationships. The first is one that others are better at than I and the last two are the province of God. My sister-in-law is having vision problems and she is an avid reader. My mother-in-law just finished her course of chemotherapy. My next door neighbors are having volatile fights next door. A priest I admired is being sued by an adult man for having an improper sexual relationship with him under the guise of therapy which be harder to believe if I didn't know the young man involved. I don't know what really happened in that case and I am so glad that I am not judge and jury. The only helpful thing I know to do is to pray. Last night when everything was pressing around me I happened upon this reading from Isaiah 49: 15-16 NAB:

"Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you. See, upon the palms of my hands I have written your name" It gave me comfort and I said a rosary for my fighting neighbors.

Normal Biopsy

2009-01-30T20:03:00.000-08:00

I was very relieved to read the email from my doctor that said I had a normal endometrial biopsy. I knew that if it was something bad he would call me. Whew! The ultrasound isn' t scheduled until mid-March. I'm not going to spend a lot of time worrying about it. There could be something wrong, or not. Thank God it's not endometrial cancer.

Shepherd Me Oh God

2009-01-27T16:17:00.000-08:00

I had an endometrial biopsy today to help rule out uterine cancer. It hurt like crazy because my menopausal cervix had to be dilated. At least the doc apologized for the pain. He's thinking I'm probably okay because the lining of my uterus is so thin. If there were cancer or hyperplasia going on that would not be the case. I should have the results by next week. They have me scheduled in March for a pelvic ultrasound. I'm worried but I'm not worried. Over my lifetime I have had more than one cancer scare. None of them have been the dreaded C.
I spent some time this morning in centering prayer in preparation for this afternoon's procedure. I knew it was going to hurt and I was afraid. I tried to give my fear to God but it turns out that I could only have God help me hold it. So here I am still worried about something over which I have no control but I'm not alone with it.

2009-01-26T11:28:00.000-08:00

I have today off and I plan to make the most of it. I haven't been taking time for important habits that help me feel well. I keep meaning to spend more time in prayer and take my dog for long walks but there always seems to be something else like work and distractions getting in the way. I know people say you need to schedule your day but I hate schedules. Yesterday I did manage to walk Lady the dog to Home Depot. I also spent some time in Centering Prayer before bedtime. I love spending time with God and even though it's the best way to keep spiritually and mentally healthy I let it fall to last on my priority list. Today will be different. I am going to take Lady for a walk up to her favorite pet supplies store. We will then go to the coffee shop next door and sit outside enjoying our treats. We will walk home and I will spend some quiet time with God. Just for today, I have a plan.

The beginning

2009-01-25T15:31:00.000-08:00

It has taken a long time for me to plunge into the world of blogging. I've been journaling for years and blogging is like it but not the same. It took me awhile to find my voice in journaling and I expect that it will take some practice before I find it here. Wish me well.